Sunday, April 14, 2013

Updates

Long time no see. I've turned into a slacker. As an update:
I have good days and bad days, but more often I have good days with bad moments mixed in. 5 days a week I drive by the hospital where Gregory was born. Every day I drive by the ER ambulance bay and remember my arrival to the hospital. Most days I'm good. Then, like one day last week, I get sucked in and am hyperventilating by the time I pull up to my office 5 minutes later. Those are the moments I have to try to force myself to think of something else. Anything else.
I still have flashbacks. I am still getting "zings" of information/reminders that I'd forgotten about and here, 2.5 years later, am getting flooded with. Then I have reminders such as a nurse saying "you don't have a fever so you can't have an infection" and my responding with "I had a massive infection after my son was born and had no fever when I arrived at the ER for emergency surgery so that doesn't really mean anything to me.". The woman had balls -- "That wouldn't happen.".
I may have called her a bad name in my head at that moment.
I'm in this strange place of trying to figure out what my calling is. I feel this urge to help moms that have had horrible experiences; to help others heal. Yet I have no idea how to do that.
I am still writing. Not as often, but it happens. I am struggling only because originally my story was SO detailed and SO long... I need to find a way to shorten it. I am also in a positive space. When I first started writing it was more of an outlet, to let the emotion flow, and not something I could really hand off to someone who was also struggling.
I'm now in a place where I can tell my story with the happy ending. The struggle of course being that I still have moments and rarely still DAYS of anxiety and memories. I still struggle. Maybe I always will. I am SO much better. I can talk about what happened. I can tell my story without crying. I know that compared to where I have been I am in an amazing part of life. I am enjoying my son and loving him more every day. Its amazing how your heart grows for your children!
I would do anything for that boy. He was worth it all.

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