Saturday, December 1, 2012

"This is so STUPID!"

I don't know how many times over the past 2 years, 1 month and 2 days I've said "This is so STUPID!". I hate being the momma in the negative space. I hear horror stories all the times of mom's who were very much more sick than I was and their attitude is "I need to get home to take care of my kids, I don't have time for this!"... and that seems to be their story. Life happened and they moved past it. Maybe that isn't their whole story. Maybe they also struggled but the news only wanted to highlight the positives. But it always makes me question myself, what I went through, why in God's name it still has impact on my life after so long and it always makes me say (about MY situation) "This is so STUPID!".
Why am I not stronger? Why am I not the momma that can move forward without letting one situation change everything?
I am 2 years, 1 month and 2 days out from a horrible birth and as much as I am better, as far as I've come, I still cry... I still hyperventilate when an ambulance with lights going, heading for a hospital, drives past me. I still get shocked back into memories at smells, sounds and other random reminders that seem to come out of the blue (like a reminder call from an OB/GYN. Who woulda thought THAT could ever be a trigger?!!???!!?!?!).
This year was the third Thanksgiving since Gregory's birth and it is still a day of challenge. It's just one more reminder of how horrible November of 2010 was. WHY?! This is SO STUPID!
Every single time I get the question "Are you having another?" or the statement "You HAVE to have another one!!" I cringe inside. It isn't that persons fault but that conversation reminds me of everything that happened. It reminds me of every single reason that there won't be another one and it reminds me of the hurt that Gregory will be an only child. That was never the plan. That was never what I wanted.
As far past hell as I've come, I'm so sad to say it's not gone from my life. And I hate that. I hate it.


  1. It sounds like today is not the best day. You are not stupid, you are human. There is something you still need to learn and when you learn that other challenges will come, that is life. So reach out, help others and together we will all make it through those tough times. I am thinking about you today and sending good thoughts your way.

  2. You are not alone in feeling this way!! I have said "this is stupid" numerous times about my birth. I realize this is almost a year old so I hope this November is a better one for you. And I understand the torment you feel when people ask about your next kid. It is such an easy question for most people. But not for moms like us!