Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Such a hard time

I have 11 posts started and 0 finished since my last post in August. Lets see if this post makes it... I've gone through this strange phase of transition. I'm not struggling with the PTSD and depression like I was for so long. It is no longer disabling. I've been off ALL meds for months and feel that I made the right choice in doing so. With that said, I struggle. I am more emotional than I thought I would be. I get choked up at things I don't think I should. But then, I'll have moments when I'm really emotional and I KNOW it is for a reason.
Recently I was at a conference and women were asked to stand if they'd ever had a loss. Tears were streaming down my face as I, and probably 1/3 of the women in the arena, stood. I was caught off guard and those tears were justified. I still mourn the loss of the baby I'll never know.
This month came in with a boom. Gregory's birthday at the end of October was a little challenging. I had to force myself to be present. Today is a reminder that 2 years ago I was having emergency surgery and was very sick for a long time.
I struggle with the fact that I STILL STRUGGLE. I am 2 years out. This should be behind me. But its not. I think of what happened every. single. day. I'm tired. I want it to go away. I don't want to remember any more.
Today was a challenge. At the moment I feel more tired than I have in a very very long time. My body feels heavy...

1 comment:

  1. wow. well, i know how it feels to be so far out that you don't get why you're still struggling, i've been there. it's amazing though, that you are off all your meds and doing ok. i don't know if i will ever be off my meds, but i know that right now i'm stable and i like it. one thing i miss is being really happy though. the meds kind of wash me into this middle ground place, there's not horrible lows but the price for that is that you miss out on belly laughs. we do have good times and i think i'm pretty happy, but like i said, it's a very middle ground kind of happy.
    i can relate to so many things about your story. i didn't suffer as much trauma as you did and my chance of death was certainly lower than yours, but i can tell you, there were many times when i wished i was dead. my pregnancy was perfect until about 7 1/2 months. i didn't have any morning sickness, bleeding or anything else unpleasant, but one night, i started to have lower flank pain, which is basically lower back pain on the sides. i stuck it out for a while thinking it would dissipate, but it didn't. eventually, we decided to go to the hospital, just in case. we didn't get a lot of answers there. they suspected that i might have a kidney stone, but since i was pregnant, they couldn't do an x-ray to confirm it. i was discharged and we went home. i did ok for the next couple of days, the pain came and went, but eventually it came back with vengeance. it was almost midnight, i was doubled over in pain, my husband was out of town on a business trip and the hospital was a twenty minutes away, but i knew i had to go. i put on my coat, got into the car and drove to the hospital in the middle of a snowstorm. i made it in the nick of time, because as i walked from my car to the emergency room door, i started to throw up. it was windy and every time i heaved, whatever came out blew back into my face and coat, SO gross, i know. i could probably go on and on, but i'm not going to. i was in the hospital for a week, i had surgery so they could place a stent which allowed urine to pass so my kidney wouldn't rupture and the rest of my pregnancy was difficult and painful so i was on a lot of pain meds. louise's birth was awful, i was in labor for 22 hours with a epidural that didn't work and ended up having a c-section. the c-section itself was successful, i didn't feel any pain and louise came out healthy and screaming, bonus! because i had been on so many pain meds for the couple of months prior to louise's birth, we knew that i had most likely developed a tolerance to them, so my anesthesiologist decided the best option was to leave my epidural in for the next 24 hours. for some reason that i will never understand, that did not happen. i really can't put the next 12 hours into words, but based on your experience, i'm sure you know what a ten on the pain scale feels like. it was a nightmare and i didn't even see louise until the next day. recovering from a c-section alone was pretty awful, so i really can't imagine suffering through everything you did, you definitely have all my sympathy and understanding. i'm so glad you are doing well now and i hope things continue to get better and better everyday :)