Saturday, August 11, 2012

Long time no see

This full time job (insane early hours on some days) and PT appointments and chiropractor appointments and well, every other type of appointment one may have, has been my life for the last 4 weeks, has made my life insane. Its been crazy busy for me.
Every day I think of things that I think are important to post about. And then I get home and fall asleep before I write any of it down. However, I'm feeling more and more like my old self every day. I struggle with balance, as you can see from above, and I struggle with being tired. I struggle with self doubt and unfortunately, weight.
After Gregory was born I lost a crazy amount of weight. Something in the ball park of 80+ pounds. Unfortunately, since last August (my lowest weight) I have gained. A lot. I'm not proud of it. In fact, I find it embarrassing. I struggle every day. I don't want to be a bad example for Gregory. I don't even want him to remember me as I am right now. I joined the gym, I tried several diets. I'm just not losing. In fact, at some points I gained even with working out and dieting. I have a hard time not feeling like giving up. I was told it could be because of the last of the medication that I'm still on. I was told that it could be PCOS. I was told that my metabolism could be shot from gaining weight, losing weight and hormones... I've been told just about everything that one who gains weight for seemingly no reason (at times, other times I admit, I haven't been great in the eating department!) can be told. I'm going to keep trying. For me and my family.
One thing that I KNOW I wanted to blog about was the question that just keeps coming up. Kids. As in "are you having more!?!" or "Gregory is almost 2... is another one on the way?!?!!!". I don't like to talk about it so much just because I don't want to jinx what I'm about to say.
                                                                     HELL NO.
Here's the thing. I have one kiddo. He's awesome. I almost died getting him here. We want to give everything we have to Gregory and give him every opportunity. We want to take family vacations and save for college. We want to be a happy and healthy family.
Jason and I are both terrified of what another pregnancy might do to that. Not so much that we don't want another child, but the thought of another c-section, being considered high risk, PTSD, PPD, months and months of struggle (emotionally, mentally, physically)... it just isn't something that we can do again.
I'm sure that there are other people out there who would do it all again, happily, to add to their family. But Jason and I just can't see that. There was probably about a 10 day window earlier this year where we thought "We could totally do this again!". And then we came to our senses. It would be 9 months of terror and therapy just to get through the pregnancy and c-section. It would be more therapy and probably medication to ward off any PPD that may want to intrude. It would be more than challenging.
If it happened we'd get through it. We'd find a way to survive and hopefully, to help our family thrive. But right now it just isn't in the cards and I don't see that changing. and I'm ok with that.
I'm hoping to post new pictures soon. My little 1 year old has become a very tall, very cute (well thats not new), very BLONDE, boy. Can't wait to share the cuteness!

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