It has been way way way way way too long. I'm a very bad blogger! Actually, I blog every night - in my head as I'm falling asleep :) But I never forget about this blog or my readers. Hello old friends!
Things have been good. My job is going really well and I enjoy the challenge of the work I do. I've made friends and thoroughly enjoy being in a team environment where I laugh a lot every day. There are, of course, the tense days where I'm stressed to the max, but for the most part its been smooth sailing!
Gregory and I are doing very well. Every week it seems things get better and better. I still struggle with the days that he acts like a 2 year old (as an October boy he is careening towards 2!). The tantrums and the pushing of boundaries challenge me. I know it is his job to push to see how far he can go but I don't like the hitting, the throwing of EVERYTHING, the "are you watching me cause if not I'm going to do something I know I should not do to get your attention"... it wears me down some days. But most days we laugh and high five and "fist bump" our way through the afternoon or evening.
Part of me wonders, and probably always will wonder, what things would be like between us had things gone right. Someone once told me that a "normal" (enter your definition of normal here) birth is a miracle and that more often than not something goes awry. I had the ultimate bad experience, but I am not alone. I will always wonder if Gregory and I would have had a stronger bond if things had gone as planned.
But then again, last night, on my 29th birthday, I asked him the question I ask every day when I pick him up after work. "Are you momma's boy?. Usually he babbles and talks or points out the cars, or cors, as he calls them. But last night I put him in his pjs, gave him some milk, we snuggled in to rock and as he was getting comfy I asked "Are you momma's boy?" and for the first time ever he said "Yes" then patted my shoulder for 5 minutes. I chuckled and rocked him patting his back in return.
When I think about it, things between us are, dare I say, GOOD. He is still stuck to his dad like glue, but I know all kids go through stages. G and I have a very unique relationship. When I am rocking him at night I think about everything that we went through to get him here safely. That was the goal. The ultimate goal is healthy mom healthy baby, but if you have to pick or choose, I guess healthy baby will always win. Not that moms aren't important, too - you can find my post on that here, but as human we have goals and expectations to keep our babies safe. Yes, sometimes at the expense of the mom.
It used to really bother me when people would discount what happened to me because my kid made it here safely. It still does. But now I can see that it could have been worse.
Gregory was not in a good position when my water broke. He was sunny side up and wrapped multiple times in the cord. They had to unwrap him during my c-section just to be able to pull him out. I pushed for 3 hours. His head was being jammed into my hip bone every time I pushed - enough to cause an open sore on his head. These things combined could have caused him to go into distress. But they didn't. My c-section wasn't planned and yet he made it out ok. I was really really sick, but Gregory had many people to love on him and care for him when I couldn't. We had help from our families for months after his birth. He's a lucky boy and I'm glad he is ok.
I am finally getting to a point where I can honestly say (and feel) that I'd do it again knowing that things would be hellish for a while, but that in time, things would be ok. Good. We'd be a family with many happy moments instead of just a family with a lot of pain to sort through.
I apologize for the long rambling post. Maybe its that I haven't posted in so long. I miss getting out my thoughts and starting with people I know they will help.
Until next time take care and hugs to the mommas who need one. I remember the days when I couldn't imagine life ever getting better or being good. To those moms: I get it. You are not alone. It will get better. Time is a challenge because you can't control how fast or slow it goes but in time, things will be good again. I promise.