Today I saw my therapist. I'm not going on a regular basis as life gets in the way and I am doing better (kinda?). However, today we drudged up crap I've carried around for 20 years and how everything that has happened to me has been affected, or rather, not affected, by what happened to me.
It was a hard session. I won't lie - there were tears. Many kleenex's worth of tears. It's hard to go back to the past and drag up stuff you'd rather forget. Lots of things came up that I tend to shove way down deep where I won't feel them. I guess thats the blessing and the curse of therapy. You work through your current problems and you get to work on your past issues as well.
I wasn't in the best mood when I came home. It didn't help that I "had" to honk at 3 different morons who literally made me slam on my brakes as they cut me off. It also didn't help that I failed to eat breakfast before I left and had to wear jeans that are too small because the only pair of jeans that fit me were in the dryer. So I came home low on calories, convinced my car had a sign that said "Hit me" on it and wearing jeans that were too tight. Not the best combination.
I was an awesome wife and told my husband that since I was taking the morning to do something for myself, no matter how unfun it really was, that he could have the afternoon and evening to do whatever his heart desired. So now I was tired, grumpy and about to be alone. I decided to nap. Napping is awesome and puts me in a good mood most of the time. About 20 minutes into my nap my husband woke me up to announce he was heading out. Cool- back to sleep I go. Garage door goes up and the kid amazingly wakes up at the same moment!
Short nap. It didn't put me in a better mood. But I work really really hard to be in a good mood around the kid even if it kills me. So I sighed, got up, and went into his room with a big smile and my usual "What is going on in here!" words that make him giggle because he's usually been up to no good. This time I found bears strewn across the floor and his shirt half off.
I was supposed to go on a playdate but something came up so we wound up not going. I did my darndest to stay happy and engaged even though I was, at times, screaming on the inside. I had a movie to return to Redbox (love them!) so instead of strapping the kid into his carseat and struggle to get him in securely, I decided to strap him into the stroller and walk over to the store. I needed the exercise and I needed to return the movie before midnight. We walked right past my most favorite Chinese restaurant. I told myself that I was working to eat healthier, eat less and exercise more. I kept walking. Go me!
We came home and had dinner together and then when it was time for bed I got the biggest round of tears and cries and fighting that made my heart hurt. I knew he was tired but as I closed his bedroom door I said "I am the worst mom ever". Out loud.
After a few minutes the screams stopped and I heard a whimper here and there before silence. I knew he was tired. I was right. He was fighting sleep NOT ME. Yet it felt so raw and very much like he was fighting me. That he was mad at me.
I tried to watch TV but even my favorite shows weren't interesting. I fed the dog who was super happy with me (I'm an awesome dog mom - most of the time). And so here we are. I came upstairs and as I think about heading to bed early I remind myself that with everything that happened today I need to just breathe. I need to take a moment and hit the pause button. Today wasn't a failure. It was a lot of little things that made it feel like a not so great day. But several things went well and I am working to acknowledge those things.
Tonight I need to just breathe, give myself a break and slow down.