Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Postpartum Depression and Me

I'm tired of PPD. I know that everyone must take their own path and that I had an exceptionally bad experience which led to worse PPD and PTSD but I feel so done with this. I want to be normal again. Not the old me - I'm coming to terms with the fact that she is gone and parts of the old me still exist but that I am different to my core, but I want to be a normal mom.
I want to WANT to spend time with my kiddo who is so freaking cute it's almost wrong. I WANT to miss him when I'm away from him. I want to WANT to spend my free time playing with him. I wish I was better for him.
It's been almost 17 months. I wish that by now things were better than they are. It's frustrating to feel stuck. I know I'm making progress but it is so slow some days I can't see it and have to remind myself how far I've come. But I'm not done yet and that makes me want to scream.
I did it all right. I asked for help early, I did therapy early, I acknowledged the problem and searched for help and solutions early. Why then, am I taking so long to heal? I try moving forward and I know I am, at a snails pace, but I want to be better. Not just hanging in there better but really truly better. I want to want to be a mom.
I'm so tired of this. I continue on because what other options do I have but to continue to fight to be the mom I want to be for my son? I can't give up. I won't give up. Giving up means failing my family and I can't do that. Giving up means letting the PPD win.
I'm so tired of being "ok" to everyone. I even put on a happy face for therapy, which failed by the way... she saw right through my smile and said "you're still depressed. I can see that". I wanted to scream and say Yes I Am but it feels like no one else can see through the smiles.
I try SO hard to hide the pain and I think I succeed most of the time. Is that a good thing? I don't want to be the depressed person no one wants to spend time around. I don't want to be the depressed mom that cries in front of her kiddo every day. So I smile and act happy and pray that I'm a really good actor. Some days I think I'm so good I could win an Oscar, if there was one for "fake happy".

2 comments:

  1. Just sending you hugs. Recovery is such a slow process. Keep walking towards the light at the end of the tunnel. You will get there.

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  2. Kerissa - sometimes we are really good, even great, at appearing "functional. It sounds like you have a therapist that can cut through that facade. Just curious-what kind of therapy are you going to? Would love to chat more privately-peace4Lauren@gmail.com.
    -Lauren
    peaceoutofpieces.com

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