Friday, March 9, 2012

I still feel broken

Its been 16 months and I still feel broken. Not whole. Not me. This makes me sad because its been 16 months and I'm not me yet. And I might not ever be the old me again. I'm not sure how to process that. I really truly thought that by this point I'd be "me" again. I still have pain and am still doing PT to help with that. I still have flashbacks and thoughts of the hospital and the pain I felt when I was so sick. I still feel broken and how do you move past that to be whole again?
I believe that this is part of the reason the last job was so horrible. Yes, the job was unreasonable, but if I'd been my old self I believe I would have been able to struggle through and make it work. I've done it before. Or at least the old me did.
I didn't make a choice to be different than the old me. It was forced upon me at the hands of someone else and although getting back to the old me is in my hands, I am really struggling to get back to who I was.


  1. You won't ever be the old you. At this point, you can be the new you, so stop trying to go back. The old you is over. The hardest part is accepting it. Truly accepting it. Then you have to learn how to be the new you and like, love her. Really love her because shes made it through a huge mess. Hang in there and don't give up. I know broken too. It has been a hard climb and I'm still climbing, but I'm alive and here to type this message to you...A message of hope that it will get better as long as you don't give in or give up.

  2. Kerissa,

    Trauma changes us, it changed me. However, I truly believe all the parts that are the "old" you, all the parts that you need and want to hang on to, will still be there when you are "whole" again. You will achieve a new "normal", one that you are happy with, one that takes the best parts of yourself and adds the best parts of your recovery. I empathize greatly with you and wish you the best of luck. -Lauren (

  3. you probably won't be the old you again, but that doesn't mean you can't be a new, better you. sorry you're feeling down.