Before we got pregnant with Gregory we were pregnant with an Angel Baby we lost early in the pregnancy. I was planning to write this post on the anniversary of our loss, which happened to be the day before our wedding anniversary, but I just couldn't do it. It wasn't the right timing for me. However, I've felt for a while like this post needed to be written so here we go!
I keep going back to when I was first pregnant. I was immediately connected to that baby and talked to it from day one. After we lost that baby and got pregnant with Gregory I held myself back in connecting with him. From the beginning of my pregnancy with Gregory I knew he was a boy but I didn't feel connected with him until the end of the pregnancy when I *knew* things were going to be ok (little did I know!).
Before I was really sick I took care of Gregory like a momma, I imagined, should. But once I got sick a few days later I really couldn't care for him because I was in so much pain.
Anyway, back to the Angel Baby - I have a necklace in my closet that I got right after the loss that says Angel Baby and the date of our loss. I see it every day and when I accidentally bump it I say "Sorry, baby". It's just become a thing. But it is also a reminder that that was a different baby. What would our experience have been like had that baby made it? How would I be different today if I'd had that baby? I know we love Gregory and couldn't imagine not having him as our child so I can't imagine another child... I mostly dream about having a normal healthy delivery and where I would be today had that happened. Would I have PPD? Would I have PTSD? But I am torn because I do understand that having that baby would mean not having Gregory.
I know I will never know what it would have been like or where I'd be today had that baby made it but I know we wouldn't have Gregory and he's our kiddo! I guess this is me letting go of the "what ifs" and all that go along with them. It's time to say it's ok that baby didn't make it and it's ok that Gregory did - even with all that came with his birth. I'll get there. I know that eventually I will get there. I will be ok again. It may take more time than I would like (it already has, who are we kidding?!!!) but it will be ok again.