I recently got an email from someone asking how the PPD and PTSD symptoms are going. Thats a tricky question and answer. There are good days and bad days. Days that I have to force myself out of bed and into my son's room and days where it comes much easier and I look forward to the smiling face. There are days that I want to just curl into a ball and pretend none of this ever happened and there are days (few and far between) when I thank God that it did.
The PTSD is still ever present. I have flashbacks at strange times and they are not predictable. Smells really get me as do ambulances, still, as well as medical shows. However, I'm also starting to lose some of my memories surrounding my hospitalization. For a while I forgot how long I was in the hospital - was it one week? two? three??? It couldn't possibly have been 3 full weeks! It was.
I recently had a flashback when a nurse was here doing a physical for life insurance coverage. She couldn't find a vein in my arm (I've got a couple invisible, but very nice, veins in one arm and none, I guess, in the other) so she went for my hand. My knuckle to be exact. That is where they were taking blood every 8 hours when my veins kept blowing and the IV's kept getting clogged before the PICC line was inserted somewhere around day 3 or 4... I think.
Like I said, my memories are fading in some ways - the timeline is getting very foggy but the memories of the pain is not. My fibromyalgia has been flaring up lately, a literal pain. Anyway, the first night that I had pain in my legs I flashed back to the night they sent an ultrasound tech in to check for clots in my ever swollen legs. No clot, just my body holding onto fluid from being so sick. But the swelling mixed with fibromyalgia slammed together with a tech probing tender points with her evil wand... it still makes me wince. I cried the whole test. My mom repeatedly asked if the orders were for my whole legs (both) or just half of one. And if the orders were for half of one leg why do all of both legs?? Finally I begged her to stop. And she did although I'm pretty sure she was offended by my pleading and pain.
Anyway, that's the long story. I struggle with PPD every day. Every single day. PTSD is more of a hit or miss. There are days that I do ok and then I have days where everything seems like its a trigger.
Ok off to bed I go. Look at me staying up until 9pm! As my 16 month old would say "WOW!!!" :)