Sunday, February 12, 2012

I'm a bad bad blogger

So my last update I made it sound like things were getting better. I thought they were and I was SO hopeful. Now, my hope is fading and I'm in survival mode. I do survival pretty well I guess and things could be much worse. I just keep trying to remind myself that there are so many people - people that I know and love, going through much harder stuff than what some would consider my situation to be.
Right now I'm baking cookies for my husband while he plays Call of Duty. I think that makes me like the best wife on the planet. Of course this is after an afternoon date where he graciously agreed to see "The Vow" with me. It wasn't what I expected but instead it seemed real. Maybe because it was based off of a real event, but still, it wasn't the sappy love story I was expecting. It had a much different happy ending than "Oh Thank God she got her memory back" end scene. It was deeper than that. As a whole I would not describe the movie as deep, but the ending was real and deep and made you leave going "Hm. What would I have done?" At least thats what it did for me.
Anyway, back to how I'm a horrible blogger. It's not that I'm not wanting to blog. I keep coming up with posts in my head at the wrong times and then forgetting what I was going to post about when I have a moment to do so. Also, I'm in a stage of self destruction. I'm not intentionally hurting myself (or physically hurting myself, just fyi) but instead of self harm I'm eating junk, gaining weight, not drinking water, not exercising, going to bed at 7:30 every night and not staying up to spend time with my husband. The only thing I feel like I'm succeeding at is not spending money. I've put myself on a new budget that for once I'm making work. I feel good about that, but that's about all, sadly enough.
I'm struggling with my momma-ness. My son wants my husband a LOT of the time and to me it makes me feel like its not that he's going through a stage but that I am just not good enough for him. Jason and I talked about it this morning and decided I need to approach the situation differently. Instead of saying "he only wants you" when he reaches for my husband instead of me I should say "give daddy a hug". Make the negative a positive so he doesn't hear my negative thoughts now that he understands so much of what we are saying. I'm working on it.
I'm not sure how to end my self destructing phase and start a self appreciating phase. Thoughts anyone?

5 comments:

  1. I think you already started a self appreciating stage by simply writing this post. And, the best thing, you are honest about how you feel and not in denial about anything. Sounds like a very good idea to be positive about your son wanting his daddy. Just make it "a good thing!"
    It sounds like you have a great husband and a great little family!

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  2. Hey Kerissa, I think you are the best mom you can be right now. That's all any of us can strive to be. I recently read 2 books you might find helpful. First is 10 Healthy Habits of Happy Moms (or something close to that) and the second was Boundaries. Although neither is about PPD I found them inpiring and supportive of where I am at. Please remember that this illness is very much 3 steps forward and 2 steps back and at some point it becomes step forward only. I am thinking of you and wishing you a speady recovery.

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  3. This illness will skew your perception of what is really going on.
    You are truly doing wonderful. You bakes cookies? I bet that there was a time in your recovery where baking cookies or getting out of bed was overwhelming. For me I tried to pay attention to the little accomplishments during
    My day...which seemed so magnificent when I went over them at the end of the day. You'll be surprised.
    Kids go through a phase...one day it's mom...the other is dad...then the next is Elmo...it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. It doesn't mean that you're doing a bad job. Kids are funny that way.
    You are a great mommy. Keep fighting.
    Xoxo

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  4. It's good to meet you, Kerissa. I saw your post on Michele's blog. I have twins who turn 3 in 6 days, and boy, has it been a learning experience. While they were quite healthy, I had a horrific pregnancy and delivery. My postpartum rivaled the emotional roller coaster of my early teens, which is saying a lot. All I can say is I understand, and *breathe*. It's hard, still, for me to think back on it. I'm here if you ever want to talk.

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