So my last update I made it sound like things were getting better. I thought they were and I was SO hopeful. Now, my hope is fading and I'm in survival mode. I do survival pretty well I guess and things could be much worse. I just keep trying to remind myself that there are so many people - people that I know and love, going through much harder stuff than what some would consider my situation to be.
Right now I'm baking cookies for my husband while he plays Call of Duty. I think that makes me like the best wife on the planet. Of course this is after an afternoon date where he graciously agreed to see "The Vow" with me. It wasn't what I expected but instead it seemed real. Maybe because it was based off of a real event, but still, it wasn't the sappy love story I was expecting. It had a much different happy ending than "Oh Thank God she got her memory back" end scene. It was deeper than that. As a whole I would not describe the movie as deep, but the ending was real and deep and made you leave going "Hm. What would I have done?" At least thats what it did for me.
Anyway, back to how I'm a horrible blogger. It's not that I'm not wanting to blog. I keep coming up with posts in my head at the wrong times and then forgetting what I was going to post about when I have a moment to do so. Also, I'm in a stage of self destruction. I'm not intentionally hurting myself (or physically hurting myself, just fyi) but instead of self harm I'm eating junk, gaining weight, not drinking water, not exercising, going to bed at 7:30 every night and not staying up to spend time with my husband. The only thing I feel like I'm succeeding at is not spending money. I've put myself on a new budget that for once I'm making work. I feel good about that, but that's about all, sadly enough.
I'm struggling with my momma-ness. My son wants my husband a LOT of the time and to me it makes me feel like its not that he's going through a stage but that I am just not good enough for him. Jason and I talked about it this morning and decided I need to approach the situation differently. Instead of saying "he only wants you" when he reaches for my husband instead of me I should say "give daddy a hug". Make the negative a positive so he doesn't hear my negative thoughts now that he understands so much of what we are saying. I'm working on it.
I'm not sure how to end my self destructing phase and start a self appreciating phase. Thoughts anyone?