Saturday, January 7, 2012

What happens when

What happens when you don't feel like a mom or feel like being a mom or feel like trying to act like a mom? What happens? Today my anxiety is high and I don't feel like doing or being or acting like anything. I've had a rough few weeks which is why I haven't been posting much. I wish I were different. I wish I knew why I am the way I am. Why do I have this anxiety and panic? Why do I not want to be what I am? I'm full of whys and there are no answers.
For Christmas I got purple socks - with skid free bottoms... just like the ones my mom brought me in the hospital when I was walking hunched over and with a walker to get to the end of the hall and back (which was a long walk at that point). I had to put them back in the bag and haven't looked at them since.
Last night we watched a movie that reminded me of some of the things that happened while I was in the hospital and I had a few flashbacks. This morning? The cell phone alarm that went off was the same as the one used to time my pain meds. More flashbacks, more anxiety, more panic.
During the movie last night there was a line "we can't change our circumstances but we can control how we deal with them". I feel like I can't change my circumstances and I can't change how I deal with them. I'm not sure how you do that when you have an anxious personality. How do you change something about yourself that makes you who you are, even if you hate that part of you?
Sorry for the downer post. I'm just not feeling strong and upbeat today. I'm hoping it passes soon.

2 comments:

  1. You do not need to feel like a mom, feel like being a mom, or even act like a mom. This could be setting yourself up for tasks too high to reach - you are sick and dealing with your sickness and that is your focus. Take care of yourself and keep the baby safe - that's a big, huge task and all you should expect from yourself as you walk through this journey and fight your way through. You can't change who you are and you certainly can't change your circumstances right now, so don't fret over those concerns.
    You must put an oxygen mask on yourself first, to then be able to put the oxygen mask on your baby, right? You aren't stuck in a rough airplane ride, thankfully, but consider that this is a rocky road and take care of yourself.
    I am writing a book about my postpartum rage. I had a lot of anger and hate and was quite certain I didn't even want to be a mom. Youngest is now two and a half and I'm still working through it!
    Throw those sock away. Seriously. You won't want to see them later, either.

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  2. The first step in changing something about yourself is recognizing that you and only you have the power to change how you feel.

    As a Mother who has struggled with PTSD, depression and anxiety I do understand how powerful flashbacks and the feelings of helplessness can be. I am certainly not saying that your feelings are your fault or not understandable. I do believe that if you can accept how you feel and try not to judge yourself for these feelings you can begin to consciously change your thought patterns.

    Through therapy, guided imagery and meditation I got better - maybe not all better but mostly better. I realized that with time,effort and a commitment to making my mental health a priority I could change my negative though patterns. There is hope, you CAN let the person you know you are inside shine through.

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