What happens when you don't feel like a mom or feel like being a mom or feel like trying to act like a mom? What happens? Today my anxiety is high and I don't feel like doing or being or acting like anything. I've had a rough few weeks which is why I haven't been posting much. I wish I were different. I wish I knew why I am the way I am. Why do I have this anxiety and panic? Why do I not want to be what I am? I'm full of whys and there are no answers.
For Christmas I got purple socks - with skid free bottoms... just like the ones my mom brought me in the hospital when I was walking hunched over and with a walker to get to the end of the hall and back (which was a long walk at that point). I had to put them back in the bag and haven't looked at them since.
Last night we watched a movie that reminded me of some of the things that happened while I was in the hospital and I had a few flashbacks. This morning? The cell phone alarm that went off was the same as the one used to time my pain meds. More flashbacks, more anxiety, more panic.
During the movie last night there was a line "we can't change our circumstances but we can control how we deal with them". I feel like I can't change my circumstances and I can't change how I deal with them. I'm not sure how you do that when you have an anxious personality. How do you change something about yourself that makes you who you are, even if you hate that part of you?
Sorry for the downer post. I'm just not feeling strong and upbeat today. I'm hoping it passes soon.