Sometimes anniversaries are awesome and you get presents or have fond memories and get to spend time with the one or ones that you love. This weekend I had an anniversary I'd like to forget. The one where I got sick and had emergency exploratory surgery. It wasn't fun. I had more flashbacks and panic attacks this weekend than I've had total in the last month. It was rough. I was expecting hard. I was not expecting what actually happened.
Jason was gone, I'd decided I could volunteer all day on Saturday (it was cold, I stood for a LONG time outside which made my abdominal area hurt and I'm sure the cold wasn't helping that issue) where I learned a lot but man it was exhausting, and Sunday my mom helped me until 2 and then I was on my own.
Total I probably had the kid 6 hours on my own and then, of course, nights. Nights are the hardest. I've always said nights are when I do my very best thinking. Except when that thinking is bad memories - then I'm in trouble. Oh, and the joys of taking meds that mess with your blood pressure? Yup, nearly passing out 3 or 4 times during the night isn't super fun either.
It was a rough weekend. I'm hoping that since my hubby is back and THE day is over that I'll somehow find myself again and this hell will be put behind me. I'm trying to be optimistic about this coming week but this weekend really messed with my head. I feel like I can't be with Gregory on my own without freaking out. It's not a fun feeling for me and I'm pretty sure he isn't too fond of it either.
I try. I really really try to be the mom I want to be and smile and play and pretend all is well. Some days I don't have to pretend and we really do play and have fun but I'm worried he knows the difference.
Anyway, back to anniversaries. I think I should get a present on this one. Yay, you're alive and well (physically well, emotionally - we're working on it)!
I'm going to think about it and find a way to tell myself that it sucked big time but guess what, I made it through, thanks to some awesome "other mom" and mom help. I don't know how single parents with little to no support do it. Seriously. Shout out to the single parents out there!
When I figure out my reminder reward for making it through I'll let you know. I think present is the wrong word. I need a reminder that I made it through rough nights and rough hours on my own and that it was hard and sucked but that I had awesome helpers and we made it. Somehow, we made it.
Somehow I made it through. Yes there were tears and panic and chest pain galore. But I made it.