This month is hard. There have been some great ups but there have been a lot of downs. November is just a sucky month in general. However, I feel like the PTSD is showing itself in crazy anxiety that I wasn't having until G's birthday. Now every day I'm anxious about the next day or week when I still have time, in the present, to be calm and not worry.
I also feel like the PPD is starting to come back to life. For the longest time I didn't feel depressed. I have a feeling that a couple things are going on. First, the surgery that I was hoping for is a no go. A little bit of a downer. Second, the anxiety is back - a HUGE downer. I haven't felt this anxious since, well, last November when I came home from the hospital.
I'm working really hard to stay upbeat and positive. I'm trying to get ready for the holidays and create things to look forward to so I'm not sitting around freaking out all day, which by the way, I could do without any effort at all.
I wasn't going to go to my support group this week because I feel silly. I'm a year out. I'm like the girl that won't leave :) Plus, now that we are really starting to get some bad weather its hard for me to drive an hour each way to the group I love so much. I need a helicopter. If anyone with access to a helicopter would like to let me borrow it every other week just let me know. Thanks.
So meet me where I'm at. I'm trying. Hard. I'm struggling. A lot. I wish I was better every day and I am trying the whole "mind over matter" bit but sometimes we all need to take a breath and understand that sometimes chemistry trumps "mind over matter". Sometimes getting out of a funk can be cookies and shopping and laughing and sometimes, when that doesn't work, its just more proof that we need to try something else.
I'm trying everything I've got in my toolbox. And I overuse the word sometimes.