Well, that's what I feel like now. Every day I dread the next; from hour to hour I question how I'll make it to the end of the day because it will all be SO BAD. I'm bad, Gregory is good but I'm just SURE he is going to be fussy and it will be horrible. Spend the night by myself with him? Well sure! I'll stay up all night because I'm SURE he's going to wake up any second (and he does - at around 2 am, sometimes 3...). It's like every day I dread that day, the next day, the next week because I'm sure it's just going to be horrible. Just like my so called social anxiety.
But it's rarely horrible. I'll admit the last week has been rougher than it has been for many months. Being alone with Gregory, who unfortunately is a trigger for me, is really hard. I'm having flashbacks and remembering things I haven't thought about in months. It's all related to the time of year and is expected with a rough anniversary.
But, on average, things are rarely horrible. I make them that way in my head and then go back later and am in awe that I made it but I shouldn't be surprised. I make it every day - that's why I'm still here alive and kicking. Well, not kicking really, but alive. And right now that actually means something because there are have been a minute or two here and there the past week when part of me (a very small part) thinks back to when I wished I wasn't here and thinks things would be easier if I wasn't (A SUPER SMALL PART OF ME!! DON'T FREAK OUT! ok - done yelling that now). Those were just thoughts, in my darkest days last year. In my darkest days this year I remember how that felt and for a minute or two I remember why I felt that way.
Now, to end on a happy note, the reason I hang in there is for this little dude.