Tuesday, November 8, 2011

It's something like Social Anxiety

The other day I was struggling to explain how I feel most of the time. Then it hit me: Social Anxiety. I "diagnosed" myself (one more time, all together now! "I'm not a medical professional!") with social anxiety. I mean, I guess I don't know the definition per say, but I can tell you that when I think about going out to meet with friends, go to a party, go anywhere with anyone outside my immediate family, I start feeling super anxious. So anxious that sometimes I feel like I should just cancel because I know I'll do something to screw it up; so anxious that I feel physically sick to my stomach and every now and then get a headache. I moan and groan to Jason about how I shouldn't go because I suck as a friend and no one really wants to hang out with me anyway. Then he makes me go.
Well, that's what I feel like now. Every day I dread the next; from hour to hour I question how I'll make it to the end of the day because it will all be SO BAD. I'm bad, Gregory is good but I'm just SURE he is going to be fussy and it will be horrible. Spend the night by myself with him? Well sure! I'll stay up all night because I'm SURE he's going to wake up any second (and he does - at around 2 am, sometimes 3...). It's like every day I dread that day, the next day, the next week because I'm sure it's just going to be horrible. Just like my so called social anxiety.
But it's rarely horrible. I'll admit the last week has been rougher than it has been for many months. Being alone with Gregory, who unfortunately is a trigger for me, is really hard. I'm having flashbacks and remembering things I haven't thought about in months. It's all related to the time of year and is expected with a rough anniversary.
But, on average, things are rarely horrible. I make them that way in my head and then go back later and am in awe that I made it but I shouldn't be surprised. I make it every day - that's why I'm still here alive and kicking. Well, not kicking really, but alive. And right now that actually means something because there are have been a minute or two here and there the past week when part of me (a very small part) thinks back to when I wished I wasn't here and thinks things would be easier if I wasn't (A SUPER SMALL PART OF ME!! DON'T FREAK OUT! ok - done yelling that now). Those were just thoughts, in my darkest days last year. In my darkest days this year I remember how that felt and for a minute or two I remember why I felt that way.

Now, to end on a happy note, the reason I hang in there is for this little dude.




4 comments:

  1. I know EXACTLY what you mean. Word for word. xoxo

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  2. Awe! He is incredibly cute. I get anxiety too. It's rough. And those that don't have it, sometimes have a hard time understanding it.

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  3. I feel your pain! I, too, have anxiety and suffered from PPD. I feel the exact same way about visiting friends. I finally just had to tell them what was going on so they wouldn't feel as bad about me canceling so often. They're really understanding now. Thanks so much for your posts. They help me a lot! I gave you an award on my blog today: http://cinderelladuty.blogspot.com!

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  4. Thanks Becky!! I've never gotten an award before. YAY!!!

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