Wednesday, October 12, 2011

What goes up must come down.

That's how I feel today. I was so UP when my amazing therapist said I was doing great with Gregory and he was acting like a normal average 1 year old should. UP I GO!!!

Today I was reminded that what goes up must come down. I saw my psychiatrist and although she's all fabulous, she said there was no way that in 1 hour we could tell that my PPD and PTSD hasn't really affected his emotional growth. DOWN I WENT!!!

I went down so fast. I mean in .03 seconds my heart fell. I was really starting to believe that I'd pulled this off - the whole not messing up my kid thing. Now, I've made an appointment for video monitoring for me and G and for G and a stranger (my psychiatrist) and then people who do this every day will evaluate the recordings and decide if we are "normal" or if I've royally screwed him up. Want to send a PPD mom on an Anxiety High? Mention video recording to really see how things are. Talk about stress! Seriously!!!

Anyway, so I was all WOOHOO last week and now I'm all "Aw Sh*t. I don't want to be recorded!!". And what if the video specialist people are all - "dude, you've really screwed him up."? Then what? I'm already worried I've done permanent damage by not being able to breastfeeding this kid. I don't know that telling me I've actually done permanent damage will help. Ya know?

Anyway, so that was my day in a nutshell. Oh yeah, that and a baby who napped half as much as normal and is cutting teeth. The screaming when he woke up after a 1 hour afternoon nap... They don't make ear plugs that cover that octave of scream. So I put him in the bath where he did a happy scream (way better than the "mom you suck and so does cutting teeth" scream).

We somehow struggled through another 2 hours until Jason got home and then, as if Gregory knows Jason hung the moon, his mood was instantly lifted. Of course.  I guess I'll just keep myself busy worrying about my video "test" that's coming up and not give the dad-is-way-WAY-cooler-than-mom bit any real credit.

When did life get so complicated? And stressful? Oh yeah, about a year ago...

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