This morning I was hit by a ton of bricks. The really good high priced kind. Figuratively, of course.
Every morning Gregory wakes up happy, ready to go, singing and talking away. The last two mornings he was saying WOW. Just WOW and it hit me - I haven't ruined this child. One of my biggest frears is that he recognizes the PPD, PTSD and the hard days that go with them, and that it will affect him negatively forever. Everything that goes wrong for him would be my fault because I ruined his spirit.
This morning, I realized, for the first time, that I have not. He's a happy boy.
I think a lot of it has to do with other people. His dad, his grandparents, his schedule and love for his teachers and friends at daycare... But, he knows that 5 out of 7 mornings I am going to get him out of bed. I walk in the room and see a big smile from a not-so-much-of-a-baby anymore, more like a little toddler.
I used to think that smile was for anyone willing to go in and get him but he says momma and wow and maybe, just maybe that smile is him happy to see me - even on the really hard days when I feel like I'm failing him already and its only 7 am.
Gregory is a very lucky boy. He has more people that love him and want to spend time with him than lots of kiddo's do. We live close to all the grandparents which is lucky. He sees them all at least once a week if not more. And guess what? They get the same big smile I do. When my husband walks through the door after work, big smile for him too!
I'm starting to realize that the big smile is saved for the people he loves the most. Strangers? - well it takes a while to get a little grin out of him.
I'm so happy to recognize today that everything I'm going through isn't hurting him. He is happy. I haven't ruined him. I know I try my darndest to protect him from the me no one really likes and it's working. He's a happy kid.