I'm officially off the top two medications that I hated. WOOT!! Plus, the awesome part is I'm still doing ok. I didn't crash, I didn't fall apart. I'm doing ok. The hard stuff is still hard and the easy stuff is still easy. I'm so happy I made the switch in docs. I appreciate that someone is listening to me and supporting my requests and concerns.
I'm proud of myself for standing up and saying no more- that the side effects I wasn't ok with were really not ok. I stood up to a doctor who wasn't listening and made me feel horrible for caring about the fact that bonding with my son and wanting to be around him was one of my two top priorities. Telling me that all parents have a horrible time being around a young child isn't helpful. A) because that is degrading to say to a parent needing to bond with her child and B) IS NOT TRUE!
I now have more of a team trying to help me reach my goals. I appreciate that team and although I am pushing back on some of the approaches they want to use, I know that they care about me and Gregory and they want to see us succeed at being together.
I also realized that I am bonded to Gregory - I'm just not the stay at home mom type. An hour or two with him at the beginning or end of the day is awesome. We laugh and play and I teach him fun things like making monkey sounds - which comes back to bite me later when he does that when he should be sleeping... but the point is, when you boil things down, not every great mom is a great stay at home mom. I've realized you can be a great mom without being a great all day every day mom. That's me. It sounds horrible but at the same time I know SO many moms who feel the same way and I've never judged them. Why would I judge myself for being the same way?
I put so much pressure on myself and carry so much guilt I've been holding myself to this standard that no one could reach except SUPER MOM. I know one or two super mom's who genuinely love being home and can do that PLUS work and love the child they have with everything they've got. I'm jealous of those moms - that they can do what I cannot. But, that doesn't make me bad. It just makes me different.