Sunday, October 2, 2011

The struggle

Ever since seeing the reconstructive surgeon I've been feeling down. Yes, I'm tapering down on my meds (can I get an AMEN?!!!) which could totally be affecting how I am reacting to the situation, but really, the man had no bedside manner and I left feeling like I couldn't just fix what I want/need fixed.
He said 2 surgeries would be necessary and even though the scars are a trigger for me that it isn't "reconstructive" because my scar isn't big enough or impressive to him and I'm not missing a body part (except 3 inches of my small intestine which evidently doesn't count); or at least that's how it seemed.
The part I disliked most was him comparing me to women who had "real" issues and showing me pictures of what "real reconstructive surgery" looks like.
At this point, I'm contemplating canceling the other appointment I'd set up for November. I need someone with kid gloves to come in, say I'm totally reasonable and that they are will to help me through something that causes PTSD triggers every day.
However, I also feel like after talking to him, my little issue isn't an issue. I feel like I shouldn't be complaining, that what happened to me wasn't that bad. I'm feeling very torn - the pictures he showed me were clearly much more graphic than any picture of me he would take. That alone makes me feel stupid for wanting to fix my scars. But at the same time, although I know that  I have scars that can be covered up, they are, to me at least, just as bad. I don't know how to explain what I'm feeling.
I'm confused and hurt and I'm no longer sure what the next step is. I'm scared now of another surgery because he said "find someone to fix the adhesion's first - that way if they nick your colon and they have to open you up again they don't ruin my work". I felt like I was going to be sick when he said that. Nick my colon? Seriously? The whole freaking reason I was in his office was because someone nicked something and I got very sick. So now I'm scared of getting the adhesion's fixed, which would at least fix the pain part or this.
The whole thing was nothing like what I expected and I'm really struggling as to where to go from here. Plus, he did the one thing I told everyone I didn't want - suggesting other procedures which could help me look better; such as a tummy tuck plus liposuction. As I've told everyone around me, I have never been skinny, I've always carried weight around my midsection and I have no interest in sucking it out through a tube.
I'm not perfect, but I'm not seeking perfection. I just want my old normal back which means I won't have a perfect body - I never did to start with!! But a plastic surgeon pointing out your faults is embarrassing, no matter how he meant it.
I've lost so much weight, yet he called me a big patient (ouch). The weight I've lost is basically solely because I forget to eat. My muscles aren't toned because exercise equals pain. I didn't tell him I'd already lost over 80 pounds but when he said "if you ever want to lose 35-40 pounds do it before the surgery".
 Again, I've never been skinny. Skinny is not my goal. I'm not happy with how things look, even with clothes on. That is an issue. All I see is that scar. That's all I want - just take the scar. It hurts when someone points out the one thing that you've always been self conscious about. And, on top of the above awesomeness, I paid $75.00 for him to throw my hopes out the window and for a consultation that won't go anywhere. Bye bye $75! Plus, it was supposed to be a whole hour but we only got 30 minutes so I think the fee should be cut in half. Whatever, there is no way I'm going back to fight it out.
So that's where I'm at. Confused, sad, and embarrassed. And stuck. I feel very very stuck.

4 comments:

  1. the fact that people have been worse off than you does not mean that your situation wasn't/is serious and painful, is there any way you can find a different doctor? maybe there is someone else with a little more compassion?

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  2. I totally understand what you are saying and I've said those exact words to others. Just because they didn't have my experience they are still going through something horrible. I always tell people not to compare themselves to me - their trauma is just as bad. It's trauma, its depression. Everyone has to go through it there own way and no one is more or less important because of the situation they had.
    I think the reason I didn't feel that way about this was because it was a medical professional telling me/showing me what "real" trauma or "real" reconstructive surgery means.
    I have an appointment in November. I'm hoping the next doc is a little more understanding to my situation.

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  3. i hope so too, it sounds like what happened to you was VERY serious and you should be taken seriously!!

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  4. Sounds like you need to find a different doctor. Who did you visit with?

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