Thursday, October 13, 2011

The pumpkin patch

We went to the pumpkin patch this last weekend. We found awesome pumpkins and the kid had a blast. After the best pumpkins were chosen we took a gamble and went on the hay ride. The sides are metal and clang really loudly the entire 10 minute ride. I was worried Gregory would hate the noise but he seemed to really enjoy himself. .
The picture above is of us on the hay ride. And by the way, I took this picture. Talent? I think so!!!

I had to add this picture because I don't have many of just me and Gregory and also because I can totally relate to Beth Anne from The Heir to Blair when she first told her blog readers about PPD. It is a beautiful picture of her and her adorable son and she wrote about why that picture was so devastating for her. In her own words she said she was a mom "Who is absolutely quaking to the core of her being, knowing success means she faced the day & that little boy. But she’s trying. Really, really trying." (BA's words from her awesome blog).
That's how I feel about every picture taken of me in the past 12 months. I smile, sometimes I feel OK or even happy, but there are so many times that I feel like I'm going to crawl out of my skin. Just like the badges I put up about having "survived PTSD and PPD" I feel like a big fat faker with these pictures. I smile because if I made the face that really goes with how I feel, it would be something that needed to be deleted off the camera STAT.
So instead I put on a happy face and with that, no one can tell that it kills me that I am still where I'm at; having a hard time being with Gregory a whole year later. I'm not anywhere near where I thought I'd be and I'm working hard trying to get there. It kills me that I still struggle to be with him. But I realize now he truly is a trigger for me sometimes and that royally sucks.
But, I'm working on it. I'm not giving up. I tear up because I believe this little man deserves so much better than the me that I am at this moment. I know all I can do is try and I'm trying SO hard to be better. It's just taking a really really long time. That also sucks.

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