Wednesday, October 26, 2011

I'm not gonna lie - this week sucks.

I started off my week with an MRI - which was negative for anything bad (the good news) but which triggered me (the bad news). But focusing on the good news - its really good. That means everything that has been going on is strictly stress or medication induced.
I had a day where I was alone with Gregory most of the day and he is so MOBILE now. I couldn't wait for him to crawl and then to walk but man, everyone told me I'd regret wishing he'd get his groove on and I don't regret wishing it but I do regret not understanding what it meant. That he would never be still again - unless he was doing something or eating something he knows he isn't allowed to.
I had a day where I just wanted to crawl out of my skin and all I know is I started this week off feeling not too bad and its slowly. getting. worse. Day by stinkin day. I wasn't alone at all or really in charge at all today, except for a few hours this morning and a few this afternoon and I wanted to scream. My day started off an hour earlier than normal and I watched the clock the last 40 minutes waiting to not be the adult anymore.
I'm not sure what's happening here. I'm assuming that it's a combination of stress leading up to a party I'm throwing (DO NOT SAY I TOLD YOU SO thankyouverymuch), just the time of year and the reminders that go with it, and well, that time of the month. This is basically a recipe for me feeling like I would rather eat a bug than be stuck in my house with my own (cute, by the way) child. I hate that feeling. Nothing makes me feel more unmotherly than that feeling. When in actuality I love that kid a lot and I know he loves me because he's starting to show it more.
My psychiatrist says its good that he cries when I leave him at daycare now; it breaks my heart. But on the other hand I feel like he's better off there. Better toys, kids to play with, teachers who aren't inept like his mother is, he plays, he naps, he has fun. When he doesn't realize I'm watching I see him having fun. But as soon as he sees me the crocodile tears start up again. Then I pick him up and like magic he's all better. This crying thing is new in the past 2 weeks. Up until then no tears. Now? Tears. Talk about guilt!!
I try to remind myself that as soon as I leave the room he's a happy boy. The teachers write down everything he does and I see him flirting with them when I'm holding him. He's happy there as long as he can't see me.
But tonight I just feel like a bad mom and a horrible person. Part of me hopes it is that it is his birthday that is making things worse because I've been doing really well and I hate to think about backsliding. Again. Guess I'll be heading to meet with my favorite group of ladies next week since this week has me in a tailspin. Here's to hoping it gets better.

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