The first part of my book is done. Well I use the term done lightly. It's written but not yet edited. And, I'm stuck. I have the rest of the book in my head and I'd love to get it down but I feel stuck. The physical pain has been written about. The obvious stuff that would make people go "OH MY GOD" is done. But I'm starting to think and feel like that was actually the easiest part. All that crap that gives me PTSD flashbacks and triggers me at unsuspecting times (like being asked to wear scrubs yesterday for a test - they smell just like a hospital gown. BAM - tears and shaking.) is on paper.
But the rest of my story is emotional and it is heartbreaking. I find myself starting to write Chapter 5 and I just sit there. Then I make an excuse as to why I don't have time right now to write Chapter 5. I hate my story. Yes, it needs to be told. It needs to be written for other moms who are suffering. But this is hard. I need to find the strength to do this. I need to believe that it is possible for me to write the hard stuff.
Of course I believe that I will and can, blah blah blah, but man, it sucks to be me right now! Oh, and an update for you. After going to the conference I decided on an "end point" for this book. Before I was stuck as to when it would be done. When I'm healed? Well that could be in 5 years so that is no good. When I can hang out with my kid and love it all day every day? I'm not the stay at home momma type. I need something of my own. And since Gregory is likely an only child I think outside childcare is actually good for him. I know, I know. Bring on the comments of shock and horror that I let someone else take care of my child two days a week and HE LIKES IT!! :)
Anyway, I decided that this book will end this Saturday. When Gregory turns 1. This book will be finished timeline wise, anyway, at the one year mark. I'm going to go out on a limb and give myself some credit here: I'm much better than I was 10 months ago and I've come a LONG way. I know this book will succeed with my story ending at a year out from the birth that went so wrong. I know that because I'm not 100% better and yes, I am frustrated by that, but I'm more and more myself each day now and I'm learning ways to cope on the hard days. I have a support system and have all along. That is huge by the way. To the momma's out there suffering - find a support system!! It makes the difference in how long it takes you to heal. At least that's what my non MD/PhD self believes :)
Ok, my kid is in his room wowing at the monkey on his wall so I'd better go get him for some breakfast. Have an awesome day all! Its Gregory's birthday week so enjoy while the fun lasts :)