Tuesday, October 4, 2011

The difficult stuff

Right now I'm in the midst of med changes. Changes I've been wanting to make for a very long time. It's great, and so far I haven't had any serious mood changes, which is awesome. But I have to tell you, I'm bummed.
It's been 11 months. 11. And here I am. I'm not anywhere near where I thought I'd be 11 months out. Plus, I know this is bad, but I really let that doctor get into my head about "if you ever want to lose weight, do it now". So I'm back to not forcing myself to eat and not reminding myself to eat because well, I have to lose 35-40 more pounds.
You also need to understand that due to the adhesion's working out is just not happening. I can do 5 slow minutes on the elliptical - I used to do 60 fast minutes 5 days a week.  5 minutes, that's all before I'm in pain that I can't get rid of with meds. So basically, I've lost a ton of weight but I'm not toned at ALL. I'm sure I look like I weight 20 pounds more than I actually do.
Plus, we are having family pictures which just makes me feel even more insecure. I'm excited for the pictures with Gregory because I didn't get the chance to do newborn pictures with him. I was too sick. I missed the cute new baby photo shoot so we are going to do our best to make up for it by getting as many shots as close to a newborn shoot as possible but also getting 11 month old shots. I'm hoping that one of these pictures will turn out for a Christmas card this year.
I'll be sure to post the results when we get the photos back. Now I just need to get over myself consciousness so that I can participate without worrying about the love handles that doc said I should consider getting rid of.
I'm trying, I'm trying. Its very difficult when you've struggled your whole life and now, getting to a place I was happy with.... It just makes me sad. And I don't have the confidence to say screw you I'm doing awesome. Instead I'm saying he's the doc so he must be right.
Today, I had 2 instant breakfasts. I'm getting nutrition, but not the right way. And, I'm kind of worried because I stopped the med that made me twitch and its still happening. It affects mostly my left side and my speech. I'm getting frustrated with this and I'm now being asked to do an MRI/CT to check out my brain since what's been happening is very strange. My PT and psychiatrist both recommend that I do this soon. I'm not super worried, but a PT telling me there is a pretty substantial difference between my right and left side and a Psychiatrist worried about the ticks and twitches plus the speech issues and oh yeah, the passing out last week in the middle of the night (no worries, I yelled for Jason before hitting the floor so he caught my upper body and kept me from hitting my head. He's kinda like superman that he got to me in .03 seconds. The psychiatrist has decided it was most likely not meds (long story) so we have no idea what the hell happened or why it happened. I'll let you know when I learn more.
Right now I feel slightly defeated and I'm not sure how to change that.

1 comment:

  1. I know it is really easy to get swallowed in this gear. I challenge you to write a post that really celebrates Kerissa. Despite all your struggles, you high-five and celebrate others I would really like to see a post where you high-five yourself instead me having to infer your brilliance for myself. You are greater than that voice in your head. Eff that stupid doctor. He didn't read the room very well. Eff your meds. They are stupid too, but it is the best you have right now. I want to know Kerissa beyond the scars and ticks. The one that lives further in there and is freakin' awesome.