I'm not sure if its the fact that I've been coming off some medications (which is good and I wanted to do), or if its the knowing that I'm going to be flying alone in a couple days or knowing I won't be getting much rest since I am up early Seattle time for 3 days straight, but I'm just not feeling good. This was a hard weekend for me.
Gregory is teething, we had a trip to urgent care for a high fever, Jason had a bad reaction to his flu shot - like the worst reaction I've ever seen... and I just kept saying "I can't believe I chose NOW to change up my meds. What the hell was I thinking??!". I knew I was going out of town alone. I knew that I have a hard time traveling even when I have a buddy going with me.
I have to just keep the faith that this was the right choice, that it all came together for a reason and that I was meant to go to this conference. If I can keep that thought going, I'm hoping I can keep myself together.
But man, I hate the roller coaster ride this last year has been and I hate that its been almost a full year. But I realize that hating this isn't going to make it go away any faster. I have to keep working at it and believe that eventually things will change for the better.
I had a doctors appointment yesterday in a hospital. To get to where I needed to go I had to pass Interventional Radiology a.k.a. Torture R Us. It triggered me. I was able to keep a panic attack at bay but man, the tears started and I had to do some deep breathing to get past that stupid hanging down sign. I'm sure many people who need IR have a much different experience than I had but I'll just say now, mine was one of the most unpleasant parts of my hospital stay. I'm thinking the people in the office I was going to thought I was a crazy person. I showed up with tears running down my face and shaking. Awesome.
So that's where we are at. No posting this past weekend because, well, it sucked big time.