It took me a long time to write about this topic because to me its so obvious that I'm not lucky in a lot of ways that people assume. Maybe its lucky that I get to stay home with Gregory. But "staying home" means that he goes to daycare 2 days a week and I have a full day of help another. I'm only "home" with him, on my own, 2 days a week. And those two days are the hardest days of any week. Is that lucky??
I realize that I can't expect people to know anything about where I'm coming from. I have yet to meet a mom, in the real or online, that has had the experience I had and am having. I meet a lot of brave mommas at my support group who have been to hell and back, but in a different way than me.
Anyone who knows anything about me would say that I'm lucky to have such a supportive family, that I have an awesome husband who helps me with the kid and a billion other things, that I'm lucky to still be able to pay our mortgage and pay for food on one income.
But this has by no means been easy. I wrote a post a while ago about ways I am lucky and in those ways I do consider myself LUCKY. But to say I'm lucky because I get to stay home - we have made more sacrifices than I can explain here for me to be home. Gregory is in daycare because I can't manage 4 days alone with him. I'm sorry, but I wouldn't say I'm lucky in that area and if you are thinking that I am, please keep it to yourself.
Being home has been one of the hardest things I've done. I can't be with my son as much as a mom should want to be with her son, I feel lazy most days and I struggle daily with PTSD and PPD. This is hard and it sucks and yes, there are a handful of good things but the bad, for the most part, has outweighed the good. I'm starting to get a balance of good and bad but please, don't judge me as anything without getting to know my story and me. I'm pretty sure if you did, the word lucky wouldn't come to mind.