Sunday, September 25, 2011

"You're so lucky"

I've had several people, who I guess don't ready this blog, tell me how lucky I am. I'm SO lucky to get to stay home with Gregory and that I don't' have to work. Man I'm lucky...

It took me a long time to write about this topic because to me its so obvious that I'm not lucky in a lot of ways that people assume. Maybe its lucky that I get to stay home with Gregory. But "staying home" means that he goes to daycare 2 days a week and I have a full day of help another. I'm only "home" with him, on my own, 2 days a week. And those two days are the hardest days of any week. Is that lucky?? 

I realize that I can't expect people to know anything about where I'm coming from. I have yet to meet a mom, in the real or online, that has had the experience I had and am having. I meet a lot of brave mommas at my support group who have been to hell and back, but in a different way than me. 

Anyone who knows anything about me would say that I'm lucky to have such a supportive family, that I have an awesome husband who helps me with the kid and a billion other things, that I'm lucky to still be able to pay our mortgage and pay for food on one income. 

But this has by no means been easy. I wrote a post a while ago about ways I am lucky and in those ways I do consider myself LUCKY. But to say I'm lucky because I get to stay home - we have made more sacrifices than I can explain here for me to be home. Gregory is in daycare because I can't manage 4 days alone with him. I'm sorry, but I wouldn't say I'm lucky in that area and if you are thinking that I am, please keep it to yourself. 

Being home has been one of the hardest things I've done. I can't be with my son as much as a mom should want to be with her son, I feel lazy most days and I struggle daily with PTSD and PPD. This is hard and it sucks and yes, there are a handful of good things but the bad, for the most part, has outweighed the good. I'm starting to get a balance of good and bad but please, don't judge me as anything without getting to know my story and me. I'm pretty sure if you did, the word lucky wouldn't come to mind. 

2 comments:

  1. Some people just don't get it. I hate that people assume because I'm home that I'm lucky I don't have to get up to go to work and drive in traffic etc. It is unfortunate that when I explain that I also have to get up early and "work" and that it is not easy they get this confused look on their face.
    I've also given up explaining why it's hard staying home with my son. I do it because he deserves his mom home with him, I do it because I am able to stay home right now without having to go to work at the moment. I do it because I want to despite the struggles I have. My experiences are different than yours but I completely understand your thoughts.

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  2. My partner is coming home tomorrow after being away for 4 weeks. It has been HARD AS HELL. I've felt the all too familiar feelings of PPD slipping back into my reality and I'm am terrified. If someone were to tell me I'm lucky, I might punch them out. Heck, someone may have said it to me and I'm so fracking glazed over and sleep deprived most of the time I probably didn't even hear them. Kudos to you mama for your bravery and for doing what you need to heal; no one can define that but you.

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