Wednesday, September 14, 2011

What I'm doing to feel normal

Most days I don't feel like I do anything. Some days I feel like a bad babysitter, others I feel like this person who cleans and is trying to write a memoir i.e. the crazy person who has no history of writing, did OK in English classes but definitely wasn't my major and believes she can actually pull off a book.
So, what do I do to feel normal? I take my dog to nose work classes. If you haven't heard of nose work you should google it. Its pretty awesome. Koda loves the time we spend together "searching"  to find treats and I get a mental break from my issues.We recently were moved up to searching for actual odor - birch, instead of treats. WOOHOO!!!
I also volunteer with the American Parkinson's Disease Association, Washington Chapter. I come from the non-profit/social services world and have a skill set they can use at the moment (database work specifically). Giving back to a cause I believe in helps me feel like I'm accomplishing something. Even if I can only help a few hours a week.
I also try to cook dinner, clean up; do things that I used to do. I try to read books (non-PPD) and take a lukewarm bath (since really warm or hot water causes me pain - sucks, I know). I try to remember what I used to do - how I used to be and act and do those things.
I do the laundry and although someone else folds it, I put it away. Lately I've been planning Gregory's birthday party. As I mentioned earlier I do have some concerns for being triggered by the date so I want everything to be set up ahead of time. I've got the decorations and I've ordered the cake. The gift shopping is done and the last piece is mailing out the invites and figuring out the food situation. Other than that I guess I need to figure out what the birthday boy is going to wear and what I am going to wear. I'm pretty sure my new "non-mom" jeans won't make the cut.
Speaking of my new jeans. I discovered this morning that when I lift my arms, say to put my hair up, you can see my scars. I almost went to change but decided I'd leave them on and see if I could make it through the day. They are cute. I'd hate to stop wearing them because of the damn scars. But knowing that other people can see them is a trigger. The scars aren't cute and when random people see them they sometimes stare, sometimes ask what happened, sometimes ask if I had a botched surgery - all triggering me into a panic state. So I guess jeans don't make me feel normal anymore...
So back to what I do to make me feel normal - Since I feel crazy sometimes, like I'm no longer me or that I'll never be me again- going to my support group, seeing friends (or at least attempting to contact the outside world), and going about a normal daily routine (i.e. showering, getting dressed and putting on some makeup) help make me feel like I'm human and more of the old me than not.
My trick is trying to make myself feel productive so that at the end of the day I don't feel like what I stated above  - that I do nothing. I need to do something so that I can relax and say at least today I tried. I think that's why the job search is so important to me. I need to feel like I'm contributing again and right now, most days, I don't feel that way.
I'm harder on myself than I am on anyone else. I really must work on that.

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