Monday, September 26, 2011

I'm learning that there are triggers everywhere!

I know what you're thinking - that I'm a little slow on the uptake. I'm constantly surprised by what triggers the PTSD and I feel stupid because it's been almost 11 months.
Last week it was the PT (who I really like, by the way) putting her hands on my scars. This week I was thrown for a loop three times. Once when I saw on Facebook that someone was going to the hospital to be induced. The same hospital where I was induced and things went so very wrong.
Then yesterday it was ambulances, again. I really have to get over that one. Helicopters, ambulances, hospital announcements - I have zero control over those. Yesterday I was also thrown off because my kitchen has pretty much stopped being a trigger for me, but nope, out of the blue I was instantly taken back to that night I did laps in the kitchen. In pain. Scared. Helpless. Just writing about it makes my breathing quicken and my eyes water.
I had to walk away from this post because it truly started a small panic attack for me. I'm back now, but it's hard. Every day something new (or old) triggers me. Music, oh the music - and how it haunts me. Today I don't feel strong. I feel like crap. This has to get better. Please TELL ME that it gets BETTER than this. This is not an ok place for me to stay. Emotionally it wears me out. Plus, acting like its all good - that's exhausting.

6 comments:

  1. Not that I want to try any unsafe experiments. But what happens if you let the feeling completely consume you? If the hard part is fighting and resisting the feelings and thoughts....what would happen if you went through the tunnel and came out the other side?
    This probably coming out and sounds horrible to ask, but I keep wondering how and why you fight so hard on a day-by-day, hour-to-hour, minute-by-minute. Where do you find the strength?

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  2. Well, If I don't fight it and I let it consume me - I don't get out of bed. I don't take a shower. I wouldn't be able to care for my son. At all. Having a panic attack that lasts for hours issn't my idea of a good time. Sure, I go THROUGH it in Therapy - a safe zone. I got THROUGH it during my support groups. It's like constantly punching yourself in the gut. You know its going to hurt really bad so why do it all day every day HOPING that at some point the pain will stop?

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  3. And I guess the "strength" comes because I have no other option. I cannot fall apart every day. I can't fall apart when I'm the only grownup in the house. I can't fall apart because that is way scarier than what I'm currently doing.
    Ask anyone who survived PPD or PTSD and they will tell you many days are moment to moment or hour by hour. If you take on the day as a whole its impossible to get through...

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  4. Thanks for answering. I felt like a craphead asking but I was genuinely interested and happy to be able to better understand what you are coping with. I think of you often and wish you and your sweet family peace.

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  5. Don't feel bad. I'd rather you ask than assume one way or another. The teaching others piece of this is huge for me. Please keep the questions coming!

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  6. was WONDERFUL to see you and darling gregory today ~ he was is quite the little man, i'm in love. he is delightful ~ how lucky you are to have such a cool kid! and, you looked great - you have the most beautiful skin - like porcelain. candice & i are envious! :-)
    & thanks for all the towels for the spay/neuter clinic....we will certainly make good use of them! xoxo lori

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