Friday, September 23, 2011

If I'd only known then what I know now...

If I knew, when I got pregnant that what would happen would happen, I guarantee you the pregnancy would have gone a lot differently. Although, if I'd known what would happen before it happened Gregory may not be here...
I would have taken pictures, I would have done a belly cast, if it was pregnancy related, you name it I would have done it. I'm sad that I didn't do all of these things when the chance of another pregnancy is so slight. I am starting the grieving process with the realization that I won't ever again feel a baby kick me. But in all reality, the thought of pregnancy is not bad; what scares the shit out of me, and what would make the 9 months torturous, would be a delivery and what that would mean. Another c-section, another chance for a mistake, another hospital stay and more worries that I could die. And that is just too much.
But what I take from this is a great life lesson. Don't assume there will be a next time. Take today by storm! If there's an opportunity and it's outside your comfort zone (but still legal!!) do it.
I'm trying to work through my feelings that I may never be pregnant again. They aren't easy when you'd planned on a family with 2.5 children (or 3, whichever). Everyone says its too soon to make this call. I say, this has been a long 11 months and the thought of another like it with the pain both physical and emotional makes me physically sick.

2 comments:

  1. sometimes i wish i would have (could have) done a little more too. i often wonder if i had, or have, ptsd due to the last couple months of my pregnancy and the nightmarish birth of my daughter, although, it wasn't as bad as yours.

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  2. 11 months is a blink. Don't give up on a life dream. Yes, you went through a rare birth/recovery scenario, but damn, you made a cute baby. We all have our scars, but they change and fade over time.

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