Sunday, September 4, 2011

I wear my heart on my sleeve and I have a big mouth

I'm willing to share just about anything with anyone who asks. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe it's not a good thing, but I've always worn my heart on my sleeve. I've always been one to show when I'm upset, not try to hide it. I always tell people what's going on with me. I have very few secrets. I've always been just slightly dramatic; although I've been much less so in the past 10 months.
Lately I've added "big mouth" to the list of words that describe me. This experience has taught me to speak up for myself. In the past, yes, it may be obvious when I'm upset, but I now make it a point to speak up and advocate for myself - to ask the insurance company why I'm spending over $300 a month on medication (not including co-pays to see providers, by the way) when we already pay them $500 a month for coverage, and to question my providers when I feel that things just aren't right.
My psychiatrist, the one that was recently fired, told me in our last session that I talk too much. I tried not to laugh. Isn't that my JOB? To tell him what's wrong, what's been happening and what is or isn't working? He also accused me of making my own medical decisions or allowing my family to make medical decisions for me - again, if I don't make these decisions WHO THE HELL WILL?! I believe that this man thinks that as a medical professional I should bow down and never challenge him or ask questions; that what he says may as well be law.
I beg to differ. It is my medical care, it is ME taking medication, it is ME paying  out the wazoo for treatment that in my mind wasn't working.
So yes, I have a big mouth, but I like to think that I "talk too much" because I'm trying to get myself better for my family and for myself. Not on his time or dime, but on mine.
I was told I couldn't make any changes while he was on yet another, vacation... for the next two weeks. So I called around and found someone available to see me next week who is also on Postpartum Support International's website (a fabulous resource, by the way!) of preferred providers in my area. She is also covered under my insurance plan so my costs out of pocket should go down.
I hope this woman is a little more open to me talking during my treatment time in her office and listens to what I have to say because when I say I wear my heart on my sleeve I mean that in this instance, the things I say are very important for someone treating me to hear.
I've been down the depression/therapy/medication road before. I'm not a newbie and treating me as though I have no idea what I am talking about, just because I don't have a medical degree, is not wise on a providers part. I know quite a bit on the topic. I'm not saying I'm qualified to give medical advice to others - I am not. But I am qualified to explain my experience and where I'm coming from as well as what has or has not helped me both recently and in the past.
I have learned a LOT through my experience with depression, anxiety and panic. I'm not someone trying to make decisions for myself based off of what I read would work on Google. I'm making decisions based off of what I know has worked for me in the past, what has been suggested to me by other providers and with the knowledge that postpartum issues should be treated differently than clinical depression. I KNOW these things. I'm not demanding certain treatments but I know a lot more than some individuals give me credit for.
I see the new provider on Thursday - wish me luck on this one. I'm honestly just hoping that she will take me on as a patient. I have a very complicated medication list and getting me off many of these will take patience and someone who isn't afraid to tackle the challenge. I did give her a heads up as to what she was going to be dealing with and that didn't scare her off. I'll take that as a good sign.

1 comment:

  1. I love that you posted this! I had PPD after both of my daughters and felt like there was nothing that I could do about it. I was constantly feeling guilty, used, and wanting to cry. After my first daughter was born the symptoms only lasted a few months, probably because I became pregnant with my second daughter three months later. But after my second daughter was born it seemed like there was no help for me. It was the worst feeling in the world. My doctor kept changing my medication until we finally found that Celexa seemed to help. I really hope that I never have to go through that again and I'm glad that you're trying to help those that are going through this. :)