Saturday, September 3, 2011

I need to trust my instinct

Several weeks ago I wrote about how, after months of push back, I added yet another medication to the list of meds I was already on. I also wrote about how happy I was because the medication was working! Well, a couple weeks later, I started having a pretty annoying and, at times, embarrassing twitch/tick. It makes my muscles twitch and when its in my arms or legs, no problem, when its in my face? Problem.
The months leading up to when I finally gave in and said OK my instinct kept saying this isn't a good idea. Not just because I didn't want to add on another pill, but something just kept saying no.
I finally pushed that aside, ignored my gut and said OK because this was to be a magic pill that was promised to help me feel like a "real mom" and make me want to be around Gregory 24/7 and love every second of it. For a few weeks I felt good and was pretty happy. I was sure that I'd made the right choice and all those months I'd been wrong.
Then something changed. I began to have a side effect that happens to 1 in 100 people (according to the drug manufacturer) and that my psychiatrist has never seen before. Awesome. So we cut the dosage and I began to feel really bad. So we upped the dosage to where I was before and I still feel like crap (you should know the twitch never went away or really changed at all, even on the smaller dosage).
I'm the 1 in 100 girl. Every doctor I see I tell them from the get go - "if the side effect for 1 in 100 is death, lets not do it.". No one believes me; until they see it that is. Just like my OB said to me - "I've never seen this before and no one in my practice has ever seen this happen before". Also awesome.
So now I'm 1 in 100 again and as my psychiatrist said "Your bad luck just keeps continuing". Supportive huh?!
So this past week I listened to my gut, stood up for myself and said no more. I fired my psychiatrist. I was calm and let him know this just wasn't working for me anymore. He was not calm.
When I agreed to try medication to help things along I made sure to mention that I did not want to be on 10 different pills. I'm at 8 now. This is exactly what I didn't want.
One thing this whole experience has taught me is that my gut is right almost every time. The night I was very sick at home my gut said something is really wrong. The entire week in the maternity ward where I was supposed to be walking the air out - my guy said something was really wrong. It was too much - too much pain, too much bloating, too many pain meds needed to get my pain level manageable. My gut was right. It wasn't air.
I need to trust myself more and give myself credit. I need to stop asking other people for their opinions or approval when I KNOW, in my gut, what the true answer is. I've been doing a really good job at advocating for myself, except when I feel like others may judge my decision. The worry about judgment also needs to stop.
Its not just judgment that I'm worried about. Its more that I'm worried people are judging me based off of misinformation or too little information to really understand why I'm making the choice I am. I feel like judgement is coming my way and that makes me stop listening to myself and instead wait to make a much needed decision or change.
I was worried about what people would say when I said I'm changing psychiatrists so late in the game. But I had to say no more. This is not what is best for me. In my gut I KNOW that the path I'm on is wrong and not the path to getting better. I don't want to be on pills for 4 years. I want to get to a place where I'm stable for months at a time and can slowly begin to wean off of medication. I want to continue therapy to get me through after I'm off medication. But I do not want to be medicated for years on end trying to get to a good place.
I know I made the right choice. I listened to my gut and I know that this is the best way for me to make these types of decisions.
After I announced my choice my family all sighed in relief as they are behind me 100% but also felt like what was happening just wasn't right.
So the lessons from this experience keep on going. Can't wait to see what else I get out of this :)

1 comment:

  1. Good for you, Kerissa! I'll keep my fingers crossed that you will find a better fit for you soon. Keep trusting your instinct, it is there for a reason.

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