Thursday, September 22, 2011

I could be wrong but

I could be wrong but as we've discussed before, I'm not wrong often: I feel change coming. A big change. I haven't decided yet if it is a good change or a bad change but I feel like it's coming whether I'm ready or not. I guess I better get my butt in gear and get myself ready so my system doesn't go into shock. I'm not really sure though how to prepare for this type of change, though, and my anxiety level is higher than normal.
I saw my therapist yesterday and spent the first 20 minutes unloading everything I've been carrying around for the last week and a half. A lot has happened in the last 2 weeks. A lot that could be good. A lot that I'm really hoping for and a lot that I have no idea how to carry with me each day.
One positive that I think came out of my appointment was the discussion for Neurofeedback. For months I've been struggling with the fact that when I'm alone, when I'm with a friend, when I'm with Gregory AND someone else, I'm ok. But when its just me and him it makes my skin crawl most days. I hate that feeling. To me that is a big red flag that I'm no where near better. But I think the meds are helping with the depression and anxiety because when I'm not around him I'm ok...
We discussed the possibility that I connect him with what happened and that my response is a PTSD response, not a "you suck as a mom and hate all children" response (which was my fear). I'm going to look into Neurofeedback some more and I really hope that someone in my area can help me - I think it's at least worth a try.
What I would give to want to be around my kid and love on him for a full day without feeling like I'm want to run away or pull out my hair...

2 comments:

  1. it's so hard, if it's any consolation, i understand how you feel.

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  2. I read this article on neurofeedback in Ode Magazine a couple years ago and it seemed like a good intro to the practice. I haven't tried it myself though.
    http://www.odemagazine.com/doc/61/neurofeedback/all

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