Saturday, September 10, 2011

How's it going?

A big sigh just came out. So before I start in on me,  how's it going with you??!  Awesome I'm hoping! Things here are difficult. I have a bazillion and 1 things on my mind. I'm on the job hunt (as I have been for months now) and knock on wood I think I found a job that fits me and that I fit into pretty well. I passed the phone interview and so hopefully the in person interview goes as smoothly. I'll update you on that when/if it happens. I'm not holding my breath because up until now, every time I think "THIS IS IT!!" there is a catch or I learn new information about the position that makes me weary to even consider pursuing the job.
I'm considering surgery. I have adhesions that cause me huge amounts of pain for most of every single day. I'm now taking some sort of pain blocker (yay for more meds?) to help, but it isn't doing much - just like the 9 Advil a day weren't doing much. And while considering that, do I consider reconstructive surgery at the same time to help with these god awful scars that trigger me every morning? I just don't know what the right answer here is.
I'm stressed, as always, about finances. I do my best to watch the budget but there have been some unexpected expenses (60,000 mile "check up" for my car for example) and those types of things always really throw me off balance. I think we're doing ok then BAM - Just Kidding!
My medication is off. Way off. I had multiple really good weeks then a change was made, just for kicks, and down I went. Then a really bad side effect hit and more changes made and things just seem to be headed down. Its not a pleasant feeling. I am sleeping due to - you guessed it! A new med.
I meet with the new psychiatrist this coming week. Last week was canceled due to her being sick. I saw my old/fired psychiatrist one last time and well, clearly I'm not well so he handed me 3 new scripts. One for if the side effect of a facial twitch turns out to be, wait for it.... PERMANENT. Are you Fing kidding me??! First it was "I've never seen this before but the chances of it being permanent are highly unlikely- 1 in a million". Then it was "Well you are pretty unlucky (thanks doc!) so there is a chance, since I've never seen this, that it could be permanent" THEN "well, it may just take 6 months for it to go away once off the med (that's right folks, I'm STILL taking the med causing this crap!). THEN It was back to "Yeah, you have really bad luck, this could be permanent. It rarely happens so I don't know what else to tell you".
The twitch isn't just in my face but in my voice. Its hard to explain. It almost sounds to me like a stutter or that I just can't get a word out, or I repeat a word a couple of times before the sentence gets started. The thought of interviewing with this and starting a new job is anxiety provoking to say the least.
I'm trying really hard to stay positive and hope that the new doc is a miracle worker and can really truly help me. I don't need more meds - I need less. And fast. My brain is foggy and some days its easier not to think. I hate that. I hate where I'm at and need to be in a different place. I need to know that I'm on the right track and working towards a goal of being at least part of my old self. I know its going to be hard but gosh darn it, I've done hard before and survived so if I have to do hard again to get through the dark and see the light, OK. Sign me up.
The past couple of weeks have been difficult for me. I haven't been posting much because some days it is too much. Some days I can't even sit at my computer long enough to get through all of my emails. So to those of you who have emailed me, I'm not ignoring you - I just haven't gotten there yet. I will. I promise. I appreciate every email and comment so please don't take this as ignoring. I have 9 emails, specific to my blog, to respond to and something like 20 other random emails - I will respond- I just need to hit a good day first.
So on that note. I hope you're enjoying the last days of summer. It has been beautiful here in Seattle. Planning on getting some Vitamin D in this weekend. :)

1 comment:

  1. I so hope the new doctor is better than the one you have. Psychiatrists are weird. My midwife said she's never met one that wasn't and my family doctor says there is a reason they become psychiatrists, they are hoping to help themselves.