Wednesday, September 7, 2011

How PTSD shows itself in me

Obviously, just like PPD or anything else, PPPTSD shows itself differently in every case. For me, the nightmares were a large piece. I now take special meds just to turn those dreams off. My problem now is the daytime. I can't take certain meds during the day because they make me loopy but I have triggers multiple times every day. Certain music, seeing a hairbrush I used at the hospital, helicopters, ambulances, hearing about people being really sick, driving past THE hospital... All of these get my heart racing, my ears ringing, tunnel vision that forces me to pull over. Tears, hyperventilating and panic are all a part of the PTSD game.
I am also triggered every single morning when I see myself in the mirror. I see only horrid scars. Every morning for the past several weeks at least I've cried in the shower. It's become a normal thing. See ugliness, remember the staples, the dressing changes, the pain... Cue tears and horrible thoughts of dying.
I hate my new body. The scars aren't reminders of what I sacrificed to bring an amazing boy into the world. They are reminders that choosing to bring this amazing boy into the world could have killed me.
I said I was going to try to be positive this week. I guess for me the positive is that we are all here and are for the most part, doing ok.
But that's how PTSD is for me. It's more than a daily struggle. It's more than a pain in the ass. It changes how I live life. Right now it has control over me. I'd like it to be the other way around.

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