In my little world my goal or delusion is that this book will not only help other moms, but medical professionals as well; that anyone could pick it up and understand what PPD is really like (which we all know well enough if you can use Google) but also what Postpartum PTSD is like and how the shit really does hit the fan when you combine the two.
I feel so passionate about Postpartum PTSD because it just isn't written about enough. The majority of materials can be found only online and that just isn't good enough. I envision something a psychology student could read and have a more in depth understanding as to what happens when things not only don't go as planned, but decide to take both forks in the road at the same time which equals disaster.
This week in PT I had more cranialsacral (SP?!?) done and this time she placed her hand, not just on my tummy like last time, but directly on my skin. On the scars. I had to force myself to focus and breathe because the panic started to set in. Someone was TOUCHING my scars. The same scars that I find to be utterly repulsive and that make me wish a magic pill could fix it all. There was some slight hyperventilating and some tears, but for the most part I did ok. Until she was done that is - then I lost it and cried like a baby.
What happened to me sucks. But its powerful for me to hear that people WANT to read my story, they WANT this book to succeed as much as I do because it is important. People need to know how devastating life for a new mom is when things go so very wrong, especially things that were avoidable.
I keep thinking that I want things to go back to normal. I have yet to respond to that thought with "this is your new normal". I also haven't fully given into the scars. I can't. They are just ugly reminders of horrible things. But this is my new normal. This place I'm in, it sucks, but it's been reality for 11 months now. Do I think it can improve, yes, it already has greatly improved from November and December of 2010. Do I think it will be all better in another year or two or five? No. I am stuck somewhere between denial and grief and its a really hard place to be.
I'm hoping that as I work on this book more and more that the stuckness that I feel will somehow become unstuck, that it will be healing, that it will help others and that the knowledge of that will help bring me peace.