Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Today I'm not writing

I woke up feeling a bit down so I decided that even though the kid is being super easy going, napping like a champ and giving me time to write, I shouldn't. I know I've mentioned before that I've learned when writing will just be too much. I think it comes from being so in tune with what I'm feeling, which I learned when I was very little.
I grew up with panic/anxiety and that forced me to identify what I was feeling and find a way around it, if you will. Sometimes it was playing checkers, sometimes it was reading a book. Anything that would change the path that my mind was heading down. But sometimes there is no way around it, only through it.
That's where I'm at now; I can't work around the trauma and memories, the blue days and the days I want to scream and stomp my feet because I just do not want to do this anymore. I don't have a choice. There is no other option and I know stomping my feet won't help, although sometimes I stomp and yell anyway. I admit that I hate that I have to deal with this head on but I also know that attempting to not deal with it would make it last longer, rob me of even more time and possibly just make me sicker. I don't have a choice but to deal with this. That, my friends, sucks.
When I say there is not other option, I guess I mean that the other option doesn't seem acceptable to me. That also tells me that I am getting better and taking big strides because if I was still in the place I was in December and January, the other option would seem totally reasonable, normal and acceptable for my situation. This is improvement indeed.
I strongly feel that Gregory will be our only child and it kills me that I've missed so much of this time when he is growing so quickly. I force myself to be present even when I don't want to for a reason. This time will not last long and I know that checking out will cause me more regret and heartache later.
This morning, although I wasn't quite myself, I played with Gregory. I read him a book and let him climb all over me as he's learning how much he can really move (Lord help us!). I am trying to give myself credit for those actions. I wasn't feeling like my best self, but I was still able to give Gregory what he needed this morning. He thanked me by going down for a nap without a peep.
Giving myself credit is hard, but an important lesson for every mom, not just those struggling through each day.
So now - I bake brownies. Chocolate always helps, right??! OK, its supposed to be dark chocolate, and only like an ounce, but I'm feeling like brownies. :)

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