I have 1,000 thoughts buzzing around my head tonight. Many of them are stress inducing - not good for sleep or for me in general.
I intermittently use the word "heal" but I don't really like that word because part of me knows that the PTSD will never heal so using that word just doesn't seem like a good fit. Part of me knows I'll never be the same person I was before but part of me is still refusing to accept that fact.
Physically I'm getting better but I'm not healed. Emotionally the wounds are still wide open.
I have my resume out for several positions that I think would be a good challenge while still allowing me time to continue the process of getting myself better. I want a job; I need a job. The right job, not just any job. I'm not at a place in my life where I can do just any job. That's frustrating.
I feel like I need to make life changing decisions and have no idea how to use my compass to guide me on these choices in the next several months.
Financially I'm burned out. I'm tired of being stressed about money. Its exhausting.
I'm working so hard to write a quality book for myself, for my family, for other moms who are suffering. However, the reasons for wanting to write this book are often pushed aside as I try to find ways to reach people that it can help, even now as unwell as I am, because in the deepest part of me I'll always be "a helper".
I'd be beyond thrilled to go to NYC to hear what publishers and published authors have to say on writing and the publishing process (from my point of view. They are all there as authors who started as nobodies). But as much as the idea excites me and as much as I want to go and as much as I appreciate the donations to help me get there, I have to remind myself that if I don't get to go it doesn't mean I won't write a quality book or that I've failed.
I need to remember that this book, when the idea was born, was to be a book for myself and my family; if it could help other moms or get picked up by a major (or minor) publishing house that would be an added bonus. Somewhere along the way I forgot that I was the reason for this book. Its my path, my journey, my healing in action. I have to write for me. If I don't do that I won't be helping anyone.
I gave myself a strict timeline for writing and getting a book ready for an agent but in all actuality I'm still in the process of getting better and I can't put a timeline on that. It's not realistic. As much as it frustrates me I thought I'd be much much better, both physically and emotionally, by now than I am. I hate it. I hate that I have zero control over when my mind and body will cooperate and "get better".
Putting a timeline on this book is like putting a timeline on myself and it has to stop. I've decided goals for the book are ok, but to put so much pressure on myself isn't fair. I can't write a great memoir until the story is finished; mine isn't. I can't even estimate when it will be. To attempt to end it before I'm really done is unfair to me and to my potential readers.
Tonight I need to refocus my energy into writing for me, on my time, in my time. I need to send out positive job vibes instead of hopeless job thoughts. I need to realize that no major life decision should be made in a rush to save a dime (or a gazillion dimes) and that money is just money. We have enough (if just barely) to get by until I can find the right job.
I hate this. All of it. I like to be in control and right now I feel in control of nothing in my life. Even writing isn't in my control - its very much influenced by how I'm emotionally doing on any given day and lately the PTSD has been in charge so since my last major writing surge I've done zero writing.
I'm so desperate for this book to be my saving grace - a way to get myself, as much as I can anyway, back. I think in my desperation I forgot that I need to be gentle with myself. I'm not done getting better yet so being easy on myself is for my benefit. I am my own worst critic and am very harsh on myself. If my best friend were going through what I was I'd say "Of course you are struggling, look at what you've been through!" but instead I say "Why aren't you better yet? You are lazy.". I hurt my own feelings almost every day. It is definitely time to refocus.
Writing this has made the tears start because I realize what I've been doing to myself. Its good to have goals but to have unattainable, forced goals helps no one. Someday, in its own time, this memoir will be something great. I need to let it get there and not force it.
I think the "not forcing it" rule needs to apply to the other things that I'm feeling are decisions I NEEDTOMAKERIGHTNOW when in actuality if I wait the consequences are minor in the big picture of life.