Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Anniversaries are hard so I'm preparing early.

Gregory will be 10 months old next week. I know, I still have 2 months to go until his birthday but since his birth was so awful and the weeks that followed, so traumatic, I'm preparing now. I've ordered the invitations, I've done all the shopping (shhh don't tell him!), I've got the decorations and a plan for ordering the cake(s).
I'm as ready as I can be, I think.
I've also ordered his Halloween costume and soon, budget pending, will start on his Christmas gifts. You need to understand that last year Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and New Years were all VERY difficult times for me and I expect them to be hard this year as I remember.
Anniversaries can bring a lot of happiness, but they can also bring back a flood of memories and I've been warned by many that my PTSD symptoms and depression may increase during that time. I wanted to plan his party, to buy his gifts, to be ready so that if things are harder than I expect, at least I can say I still did the planning, the shopping, and I cared.
As the days creep by I'm getting more concerned. I don't want a set back and I'm so afraid that this time of year will be a huge set back. I want it to be a happy time.
Gregory's birth was traumatic. I fully expected to be home for Halloween night and I wasn't. Jason had to come home and fill the candy bowl on our porch and we dressed Gregory in his newborn costume at the hospital.
Thanksgiving was just a few days after I'd been released following emergency surgery and a 2 week hospital stay. I couldn't eat much at the Thanksgiving dinner my mother in law cooked, which was a shame because I love Thanksgiving food.
Christmas Eve morning I cried because I felt so bad. I knew I would ruin Christmas for everyone. It was a horrible morning and afternoon. I had what fun I could at my Mom's that night, but I was so depressed and was having so many flashbacks that it was a major struggle that I didn't want to deal with. New Years came and went with no celebration.
This year I want things to be different so badly it hurts. The thought of this year being anything like last year is terrifying. I know I can only do my best and try to focus on the positive things happening in my life but when anniversaries and holidays have such negative reminders attached to them its a challenge.
I'm preparing early. It probably seems silly to everyone else, but to me it feels safe. I know that if I prepare early that I can still participate in some ways even if I'm having a horrible day emotionally.

2 comments:

  1. For what it's worth, I felt MUCH worse at the first anniversary of Sophie's birth than the second. Not that I didn't still feel it on her second birthday, but there was somehow more distance/space from the event and I found it less upsetting. Oh, and the first time around, I also enjoyed recounting what my day that time last year was like and doing something decadent (massage, fancy dinner/dessert, etc) to celebrate that I was here and not there. Hang in there.

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  2. Kerrisa, I have found that the anticipation of the "day/s" is almost always harder than the actual day itself. All the days you have coming up are normally positive and fun/love filled days so that will help you focus on the great thing...that you are here to share in those days with both Gregory and Jason. Positive thoughts.

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