I went to therapy today for the first time in three and a half weeks. Its been a busy month for both of us and so today just happened to be my first appointment in a while. Other than some unfortunate medication side effects, which I'm currently working through, I really thought that I was doing so well that I'd waltz in and she'd be all impressed and all "Wow! You totally don't need therapy anymore!". And then I'd say "I KNOW RIGHT?!" and then she'd say "You're awesome. Come see me next month just to make sure you're still awesome.".
And then I opened my mouth to tell her how awesome I was. Shortly after that the tears started. Our session went 30 minutes over my scheduled hour and I cried a LOT.
On my way out I said "I really believed I was going to come in here and impress you with my progress and look at me, I'm a mess."
To which she responded that although I'm not there YET, I'm getting there. I'm processing. I'm deciding what I want, what I do not and making things happen. I'm not giving up. I am making huge progress.
I love this woman because I hear her voice in my head all the time (I know, its a little creepy, but super helpful!!). "You aren't there YET" "It's too hard today, but it's not impossible - its just not possible YET" "Having a bad day here and there will happen, you aren't better YET". Yet. What a powerful word. Just because I'm not finished with this process, doesn't mean I won't get there. I need to be patient. So not my best thing, by the way.
There are so many things that I thought I'd never be able to do or get past, but really, I just wasn't there yet. I've done so many of the things I never thought I would be able to do and I'm improving. I'm just not healed. YET.