Monday, July 18, 2011

Update

My initial urge is to apologize for my last post. But I'm not going to because it was real and although things are slowly getting better, it's not all rainbows and butterflies, as you can see. I know that a major part of it was that I'd gotten so little sleep for the 2 nights prior, but part of it was true self doubt and true questions of where all of this is taking me.
Today I'm feeling better but I've decided not to write today. After last nights meltdown the last thing I want to do is trigger myself and since I know I'm not back to the good me yet, I think its best to take a day or two and step away from remembering.
I'm struggling in some ways that this book is a goal for me when I know that A) it's a possibility that no one besides me will ever read it B) it's a major possibility that no one besides family and close friends will ever read it and C) it may not help anyone besides, possibly, me. I'm struggling to see how I can justify spending hours and hours writing this story down if it may end up being only for me. My original goal was to help myself heal, but as I started to really think about it, I wanted it to be something that could help other women heal. If I can't do that, is this a waste of time?
The story is in my head, its not like I'm going to forget what happened; I'm reminded of it daily when I look at Gregory, hear certain songs, see a scar in the mirror or the simple sharp pain I feel at the end of every single day near my incision scars. So if I can't use this to help others, is writing it down really worth it?
I guess I won't know until I try so I'm going to continue moving forward. I can't stop now and even if its not the best use of time, it is a project and I am making progress, both positives. I need positives.
This blog is taking a slight turn that I wasn't expecting. Besides being an update on my book, it's turning into a space for me to vent when I need to, give myself a pat on the back when I need to, and be open and honest with how crappy things can be. I was expecting this to stay pretty much book related only, but I realize that since I'm not healed yet it isn't realistic for this to be just a place to give updates on my book, writing, lack of writing... It has to be a place where I can continue to process emotions so that I really can heal and move forward.
So cheers to today not being as sucky as last night. I'm going to take a nap while Gregory is at daycare in hopes that things will continue to look up.
Thanks for reading. I appreciate it even though it may be hard sometimes. I know that the main base of readers know me personally and it is hard for them to read the bad and ugly and not just the good. But, please keep reading. I know that, as before, there is way more good to be posted than bad.

Nap well and often - possibly my new motto in life :)

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