Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Today is hard

A family friend is going through something much worse than my ordeal. I want to help but I know there is nothing that I can do. All I can do is hope and pray that things get easier quickly for them.
Today I read a status update that triggered my PTSD. Some days I can read about medical issues with no issue and others, like today, reading about raising white blood cell counts and infections is enough to trigger me. Knowing that this individual possibly has procedures in the future that are similar to mine really got me. Remembering the pain of that procedure and everything involved was too much.For a few minutes I was lost in the memories and PTSD flashbacks and had to force myself back to reality.
Sesame Street is now on while I regain my composure. Elmo is entertaining to Gregory and for some reason a great distraction for me (today, Sesame Street is brought to you by the letter B). Most of the time I'm really good at censuring my reading. If I notice I'm starting to have a bad reaction I'm good at stopping and stepping away. But for some reason I didn't recognize what was happening until I was in it.
Some days I can remember and write and it is easy; so much easier than I ever thought it could be. So easy that I think hey, I'm healed! (wishful thinking? I think yes.). On those days, working through the emotions and writing it down actually helps. Other times, like this moment, its not so helpful to remember as I get lost in the PTSD flashbacks.
I wish every day was an easy day, but I guess I know better. Its just so freaking frustrating! Healing takes time and work and I happen to be one of the most impatient people I know. I hate waiting. I hate how much work it is. Seriously. I'd like to hand in my free pass today. You know, like a weight watchers no weigh in free pass day. Yep, I'd like one of those for a no bad memory/PTSD flashback pass today please.
Since there are no free passes available I'll settle for distraction of the kid, laundry and attempting to clean. Hopefully writing will be something I can do later today. Oh, and I have to wrap a couple small gifts for the husband as tomorrow he is the big 3-0.
I'll now attempt to continue on with my day after sending out some positive thoughts and prayers for healing.

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