This blog thing really is taking on a life of its own. I'm starting to figure out that people often ask me "how are you" and 96.542% of the time (outside of a support group or therapy) I say "I'm fine, how are you?".
I assume several things with this answer. 1) no one really wants to know how ugly things get at my house or in my head - they are just being nice by asking 2) I won't have to defend myself and/or my feelings and emotions 3) people will treat me like I'm crazy if I'm not fine and 4) If I don't say its fine then people will think I'm exaggerating or making more of the situation than is really there and I don't want people to think I'm a drama queen. Therefore, "I'm fine" is the comfortable and easy answer all around.
The lesson for me is that people reading this blog are starting to figure out that the "I'm fine" phrase doesn't really mean that much since I'm writing about a lot of stuff that is NOT fine.
I'm ok with that because oddly enough, in a place where anyone can read about some of my deepest emotions, I feel more safe typing the crap I'm feeling than saying it face to face. Face to face adds a level of danger - follow up questions, concerns, the possibility of the conversation turning a direction I don't want it to go but losing control of the ability to steer it back to my comfort zone...
I should also point out that I still censor - even though this is the easiest and sometimes safest way for me to "talk". I often begin a post only to erase it thinking its too sensitive; not only to type, but for people to read. With some things I'm just not there yet.