Saturday, June 8, 2013

Climb Out Of The Darkness

Postpartum Progress has started a movement to "Climb Out Of The Darkness" on June 21st - the longest day of the year. There is light at the end of the tunnel. It will get better!!

You can read more about this awesome event here

Sunday, April 14, 2013


Long time no see. I've turned into a slacker. As an update:
I have good days and bad days, but more often I have good days with bad moments mixed in. 5 days a week I drive by the hospital where Gregory was born. Every day I drive by the ER ambulance bay and remember my arrival to the hospital. Most days I'm good. Then, like one day last week, I get sucked in and am hyperventilating by the time I pull up to my office 5 minutes later. Those are the moments I have to try to force myself to think of something else. Anything else.
I still have flashbacks. I am still getting "zings" of information/reminders that I'd forgotten about and here, 2.5 years later, am getting flooded with. Then I have reminders such as a nurse saying "you don't have a fever so you can't have an infection" and my responding with "I had a massive infection after my son was born and had no fever when I arrived at the ER for emergency surgery so that doesn't really mean anything to me.". The woman had balls -- "That wouldn't happen.".
I may have called her a bad name in my head at that moment.
I'm in this strange place of trying to figure out what my calling is. I feel this urge to help moms that have had horrible experiences; to help others heal. Yet I have no idea how to do that.
I am still writing. Not as often, but it happens. I am struggling only because originally my story was SO detailed and SO long... I need to find a way to shorten it. I am also in a positive space. When I first started writing it was more of an outlet, to let the emotion flow, and not something I could really hand off to someone who was also struggling.
I'm now in a place where I can tell my story with the happy ending. The struggle of course being that I still have moments and rarely still DAYS of anxiety and memories. I still struggle. Maybe I always will. I am SO much better. I can talk about what happened. I can tell my story without crying. I know that compared to where I have been I am in an amazing part of life. I am enjoying my son and loving him more every day. Its amazing how your heart grows for your children!
I would do anything for that boy. He was worth it all.

Saturday, January 5, 2013


Today is always a challenge for me. This date - January 5th, is the day I lost a baby. Its not something a parent forgets, but for me it is exceptionally difficult as it is the day before our wedding anniversary. Its a huge reminder to me of the sadness and emptiness I felt. It's a day when I have an internal battle with myself. So sad to have lost one baby but yet without that loss, Gregory wouldn't be here - a child I love more than anything or anyone else. I know that I can grieve for one while loving another but it is so hard to put into words how it makes me feel like a bad mother to BOTH of these babies.
Today is a challenge. I shall get through it.

Monday, December 10, 2012


I am not sure if it is just this time of year or just my anxious personality coming out and rearing its ugly head. I've been more anxious the past few days than normal; the type of anxious where you have no idea why you are anxious which means you can't "fix" it.
Normally, if I know why I'm feeling anxious I can find a way to be rational about it or at least make a list of things to worry about so I won't forget to worry about them later. For some reason if its on paper, even if I never look at it again, I can push those worries and anxious thoughts aside and move forward.
But these past few days I just can't put my finger on it. I'm overwhelmed by every single thing. Work, home, cleaning, money, my weight, my kid, my home, my spouse... And those are the things that I KNOW I'm overwhelmed with. This anxiety is coming from another part of me that I can't pinpoint.
I'm tired. I'm exhausted, really. I feel on edge. Some days I wonder what my breaking point will be. There are times I know I'm not in a rational mind. Example: Today my leg really hurts. I have no idea why - probably my fibromyalgia flaring up, but in my head I have a massive blood clot that will break apart and kill me. Rational? No. My reality? Yes.
I'm tired. I'm tired of worrying and stress.Today I'm just: tired.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

"This is so STUPID!"

I don't know how many times over the past 2 years, 1 month and 2 days I've said "This is so STUPID!". I hate being the momma in the negative space. I hear horror stories all the times of mom's who were very much more sick than I was and their attitude is "I need to get home to take care of my kids, I don't have time for this!"... and that seems to be their story. Life happened and they moved past it. Maybe that isn't their whole story. Maybe they also struggled but the news only wanted to highlight the positives. But it always makes me question myself, what I went through, why in God's name it still has impact on my life after so long and it always makes me say (about MY situation) "This is so STUPID!".
Why am I not stronger? Why am I not the momma that can move forward without letting one situation change everything?
I am 2 years, 1 month and 2 days out from a horrible birth and as much as I am better, as far as I've come, I still cry... I still hyperventilate when an ambulance with lights going, heading for a hospital, drives past me. I still get shocked back into memories at smells, sounds and other random reminders that seem to come out of the blue (like a reminder call from an OB/GYN. Who woulda thought THAT could ever be a trigger?!!???!!?!?!).
This year was the third Thanksgiving since Gregory's birth and it is still a day of challenge. It's just one more reminder of how horrible November of 2010 was. WHY?! This is SO STUPID!
Every single time I get the question "Are you having another?" or the statement "You HAVE to have another one!!" I cringe inside. It isn't that persons fault but that conversation reminds me of everything that happened. It reminds me of every single reason that there won't be another one and it reminds me of the hurt that Gregory will be an only child. That was never the plan. That was never what I wanted.
As far past hell as I've come, I'm so sad to say it's not gone from my life. And I hate that. I hate it.